Love: A Scientific Analysis

A Scholarly Reductio Ad Absurdum of a Widely Disseminated Error

GEORGE NARET

The Author desires to acknowledge his indebtedness for the valuable statistical assistance given him by Dr. Rudolph C. Ferguson, of the New York State Hospital for the Insane.

LET us take a typical young man and a typical young woman who are typically in love and, employing them as specimens, in laboratory research, essay for once and all to get to the bottom of the passion.

The examples we are to study are average types. The story of their love is, in reality, the story of the love of all of us.

Here, on the right, we have Mr. Beauchamp Kraus; and here, for example, on the left, Miss Bermuda Dampjofer—both presumably in their right minds and senses and yet deriving an unparalleled ecstasy from such inscrutable procedures as treasuring, on the side of Monsieur Kraus, a pressed jonquil that erewhile embellished the Dampjofer bosom, and, on the side of Mlle. Dampjofer, a rhinestone dingus, shaped like a pretzel that erst clasped prominently upon the expansive Kraus—thoughtlessly betrayed to the world the closely guarded secret that the Kraus was a member of the mysterious Greek order of the Jersey City Dental College known as the Egyptian Graveyard Spooks.

What is their ecstasy—and why?

What is it that causes the young M. Kraus each day to put at least ten cents worth of vaseline on his hair; to go in for violet socks; to eschew the company of his quondam boon male camarados?

And what is it that causes the Mlle. Dampjofer to send the coupon and the fifteen cents in stamps for a liberal sample of the massage cream that will make her look exactly like Pauline Frederick—or that causes her to roll a wistful pupil to the moon?

The professor who can solve the mystery is the professor who knows where trombone players practise.

But let us not be baffled ere we start. Let us consider the various reasons possible for the Kraus-Dampjofer love ecstasy in logical sequence.

The Question of Beauty

FIRST then, is it reasonable that the M. Kraus is thus enchanted by the Mlle. Bermuda Dampjofer because the Mlle. Bermuda Dampjofer is—let us for argument admit it— a pretty wench? No, it is not. And why is it not ? Because, pleasant to the Kraus eye though the person of the Dampjofer is, the M. Kraus would be the first to admit that the person of the Dampjofer was, even so, of a vastly less beautiful aspect—by the standards of beauty pure and simple—than the perfect wax dummies one sees in the modistes' windows on Fifth Avenue. But, ha, ha, the Kraus exclaims, this is droll, absurdo: the. Bermuda Dampjofer is a creature of flesh and blood; the dummies mere wax and sawdust—there's the difference.

Again, therefore, let us consider. We now have the M. Kraus' confession that it is not the unmatchable beauty of the Bermuda Dampjofer that ravishes him, but the fact that the Bermuda Dampjofer, unlike the surpassingly beautiful wax models, is alive. The M. Kraus, we then take it, is in love with the Bermuda Dampjofer not primarily because he is beguiled by her looks, but because she is a living organism. Here, of course, our investigation takes an obviously simple turn. The M. Kraus is certainly not enamoured of the Bermuda Dampjofer merely because she is alive, for were this true he would be enamoured not of the Bermuda Dampjofer alone, but of a thousand and one equally alive young women: forsooth, with all living young women! Let us, accordingly, dismiss this pramisse as ridiculous, and pursue another tack.

If, as we have shown, the Kraus is actually not, as he would call it, "in love" (imbecilis stupendis) with the Bermuda Dampjofer because of the Bermuda Dampjofer's (1) unsurpassed beauty or (2) aliveness, is it not possible that he may be, as he would call it, "in love"(1) with the something above these, the something finer, the more noble, the more spiritual—to wit, with the Bermuda Dampjofer soul (F. Marguery).

Possibly. Let us see.

While the soul is ever more or less an intangible article, it may be possible fairly to analyze and sum up Mlle. Dampjofer's especial soul in terms of its appraisal—not untypical—by the M. Kraus. This Dampjofer especial soul consists, therefore (in the Kraus estimation, as in the estimation of every Kraus in love with every Dampjofer), of (1) a mysterious far-away look in the Dampjofer eyes, (2) a kind and affectionate disposition on the part of the Dampjofer, and, finally, (3) a complete Dampjofer sympathy with M. Kraus's likes and dislikes. Let us, accordingly, analyze in turn each of these Dampjofer soul attributes.

The Far-Away Look

FIRST, the mysterious, far-away look in the Dampjofer eyes (ocularia melancholia). This mysterious, far-away look, far from being peculiar to the Dampjofer, is, as the Kraus at heart knows, in reality the identical look that one notices in the eyes of every dog one meets with. Therefore, since the Kraus, even at the height of his most amorous delusions, would probably not think of leading a dog to the hymeneal altar, it must be clear to the Kraus that it is not this particular Dampjofer soul attribute that intrigues him.

Let us therefore consider the second, viz., the kind and affectionate disposition. If it were true that the Kraus was to be drawn into his present extraordinary condition of Maillard sendis(2) by this second attribute alone— i. e., by a kind and affectionate disposition— two conclusions would be plain. Primo, that since it is readily to be granted that the Dampjofer has not a monopoly on the kind and affectionate dispositions of the world, the Kraus would succumb equally to any other kind and affectionate disposition.

And, secundo, that since a kind and affectionate disposition is not confined to human beings, but is to be encountered also, and in great and very beautiful degree, among the lower animals—like the mysterious far-away look in the eyes, primarily, in dogs—it would follow, as in the instance of the Dampjofer soul attribute A, that the Kraus would here again, were the layman's process of ratiocination to be trusted, be likely to fall in love no more deeply with the Dampjofer than with Bruno, his pet dachshund. We come, then, to the Dampjofer soul attribute C, viz., the complete sympathy with M. Kraus's likes and dislikes (Am. hokum). This we may promptly dismiss with the observation that this attribute, standing apart and alone, while it might conceivably bring a certain Kraus to marry a certain Dampjofer, would assuredly not, of and by itself, bring to a Kraus the melodious mood as of walking-onair, the complete amorous enchantment, the present overwhelming romanticismus. And, since our investigation is concerned with these latter excitements, grouped together under the term known as Love, we may therefore dismiss the attribute C as immaterial and irrelevant(3).

The Category of Stratagems

E turn now to the other Kraus-sensed virtues, customs and stratagems of the Dampjofer and to their possible relationship to the current Kraus ebullition (Thorli sendis).

First, the Dampjofer trick of running the Dampjofer fingers through the Kraus hair, a manoeuvre highly agreeable to the Kraus.

Admitting that this manoeuvre is productive of pleasure for the Kraus—but also remembering that it is essential that in our. investigation we duly and properly separate the manoeuvre from its chauffeuse, that we may determine exactly the reasons, if any, for the Kraus's condition—we must be brought to the conclusion that the Dampjofer manoeuvre is precisely akin to the manoeuvre enjoyed by the Kraus when Gus, the tonsorial professor, visits upon the Kraus head (Am. coco) the monthly shampoo au Herpicide. Obviously, therefore, since the Kraus would think of Gus, the tonsorial professor, in terms no more personal than he would think of Bruno, the pet dachshund, we must grant that the fingers-through-the-hair phenomenon has nothing whatever to do with the Kraus efflorescence, and pass on to the hypothesis.

The next hypothesis: the Dampjofer holding of hands.

Here plainly enough, we have merely what the manicure girl does—has long done—to the Kraus when the Gus has finished with the Kraus head (Am. bean). And, a hand being merely a hand, and holding a hand being merely holding a hand(4), the thing can obviously be no novelty to the Kraus. It therefore cannot be the Dampjofer's holding of hands that is responsible for the exceptional Kraus mania (presenti Tiffani).

Terzo, the Dampjofer playing of the piano.

This cannot be responsible, since, were piano playing the one thing which bestewed the Kraus, the Kraus would, if for no other reason than that it bestewed him the more satisfactorily, buy him a pianola—and remain a bachelor.

Quarto, the intriguing empyreuma of the perfumes, sachets and talcums, self-sprinkled upon the Dampjofer.

(1) See Professor Hugo Disback's "Essay on the Intelligence of the Dachshund", Pg. 812.

(2) So named by Dr. P. P. Gambrinus, of Tusculum College.

(3) See Prof. Dr. Alois Wabler, "Lectures on Epidemic Encephalitis With Stupor," Vol. IV, Lect. Ill, pg. 124.

(4) See Dr. Herman Rochambeau's "Sensatory Science," Chapter XXV, pg. 409, paragraph 14.

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Again, no. And why?

For the simple reason that man is projected into amour always in proportion as, and in the degree that, the object of his ardour is unattainable. It would be manifestly absurd, therefore, to believe that the Kraus fell thus deeply in love with scents readily obtainable at from 25c to $1.00 the box and bottle at the nearest Riker-Hegeman. We must, therefore, look elsewhere.

Quinto, the Bermuda Dampjofer conversation.

This conversation, typical of every Bermuda Dampjofer, may be exampled approximately as follows:

1. I like the fox-trot better than the one-step (or vice versa).

2. I a-dore Jack Barrymore.

3. Reading hurts my eyes.

4. You never noticed I had a new dress (or hat) on.

5. I detest windy weather.

6. Not at all; I like cigar smoke.

7. Maybe, but she looks awfully chorus girlish.

8. I think you're aw-ful!

9. I just love babies. I'd give anything if I had one of my very own.

10. I don't see how a man can drink whiskey. Ugh!

11. I love "Dardanella," don't you?

12. There it goes again! I don't know what can be the matter with me. I'm ior-ever dropping it.

13. Don't be ab-surd. But I am awfully fond of his mother. She's perfectly char-ming.

14. I don't know what it is, but I simply can't get up in the mornings.

15. I dislike him intensely. He's so gross.

16. I know she's not pretty, but she always looks so smart.

17. Guess who I saw this afternoon?

18. Men are so peculiar. Why, she's at least thirty!

Since this conversation is readily recognizable as common to the great majority of young women of the Bermuda Dampjofer age and culture, we must refuse to grant that it can be this factor that produces cardiac systole and diastole in the M. Kraus chest when the M. Kraus chest is in the Bermuda Dampjofer presence.

Sesto, the intrinsic intelligence of the Bermuda Dampjofer.

The Bermuda Dampjofer, like nine out of every ten Bermuda Dampjofers, believes implicitly in the following philosophies and faiths:

1. That if the Bermuda Dampjofer nose itches, it is a sign that the Bermuda Dampjofer is either going to meet a stranger or kiss a fool.

2. That if the Bermuda Dampjofer right ear burns, it is a sign that someone is saying nice things about the Bermuda Dampjofer.

3. That if the Bermuda Dampjofer left ear burns, it is a sign that someone is saying mean things about the Bermuda Dampjofer.

4. That if a piece of tea leaf is found floating around at the top of the Bermuda Dampjofer tea-cup, it is a sign that the Bermuda Dampjofer will be married before the end of the year.

5. That if the Bermuda Dampjofer accidentally puts on her lingerie wrong side out, it is still another sign that the Bermuda Dampjofer will be married before the end of the year.

6. That if the Bermuda Dampjofer takes the last macaroon off the platter, it is a sign that the Bermuda Dampjofer will be an old maid.

7. That if the Bermuda Dampjofer gives a young man of her acquaintance a pen-knife as a gift, the Bermuda Dampjofer and the young man will inevitably quarrel unless the young man exercises the precaution to give the Bermuda. Dampjofer a penny.

8. That if, while promenading, the Bermuda Dampjofer and her escort walk on either side of a water hydrant or other obstruction instead of both walking 'round it on the same side, it is a sign that they will have a misunderstanding before the month is over.

Since, as in the case of the Dampjofer repartees above considered, these philosophies and faiths—as will also be readily agreed—are common to the great majority of young maidens, we must similarly fail to grant that it can be this that brings the M. Kraus to lay the sedulous scrutiny to the creases in his trousers and to the meticulous insertion of the scarf pin into the same hole it made in the cravat on the previous day.

Thus, are we brought to the conclusion—proved and established—that, since the M. Kraus cannot conceivably be in love with the Bermuda Dampjofer for the Bermuda Dampjofer's (1) looks, (2) actual existence, (3) soul, (4) manners, (5) little tricks, (6) talents, (7) agreeableness of presence, (8) conversation, and (9) beliefs, the only possible remaining reason for the M. Kraus being in love with the Bermuda Dampjofer is what may be described, in the phrase of Professor Pierre Flaherty of Vassar College, as the Bermuda Dampjofer general personal charm. This so-called personal charm, while superficially as vague as the Bermuda Dampjofer soul, may yet be analyzed at once as fairly and as searchingly as the latter. Let us proceed.

Careful study resolves this Bermuda Dampjofer personal charm into the following principal component elements:

A. Clean, even, white teeth.

(Note to A: If the M. Kraus were to be intrigued primarily by clean, even, white teeth, the M. Kraus would obviously be more perfectly intrigued by a flawless set of false teeth than the somewhat less perfect natural set vouchsafed him in the Dampjofer's orifice.)

B. A trim figure.

(Note to B: See reference to the perfect wax dummies as opposed to infinitely less perfect Dampjofers.)

C. Attractive clothes.

(Note to C: See note to B.)

D. Gracious manner.

(Note to D: See references to the Dampjofer soul attributes B and C.)

E. A pleasant speaking voice.

(Note to E: If the M. Kraus were primarily to be fetched by a pleasant speaking voice, he would be fetched more accurately by the professionally pleasant voice of a telephone Central operator—which he has heard several times every day of his life and long before meeting the Bermuda Dampjofer— than by the merely amateurishly pleasant voice of the Bermuda Dampjofer.)

General Conclusions

'T'HUS, finally, since we have proved

that it is plainly impossible for the M. Kraus to be actually in love with any one of the many things concerned with the Bermuda Dampjofer, so by this same proof is it mathematically impossible for the M. Kraus to be in love with these things grouped together, that is to say, with the entity named Bermuda Dampjofer. That the M. Kraus is actually in love with the entity named Bermuda Dampjofer does not contradict this proof any more than the fact that one pea when rolled under the crossed fore and second fingers feels like two peas, contradicts the essential fact that there's only one pea there after all.

. . . And what is proved here of the M. Kraus may be proved with equal clarity of the Mile. Dampjofer.

Therefore, obviously, there is no such thing as Love.