Stone Deaf

A Playlet to Disprove the Theory That the Young Should be Seen and Not Heard

GEOFFREY KERR

THE scene is the gloomiest room in a particularly gloomy club. It is done in dark cal nut, with heavy, brass-studded leather chairs. There is, about everything in it, an air of dull respectability.

The sole occupant of the room is an OLDMAN, seated in the club's deepest armchair. He is reading the daily paper with a lack of relish which bespeaks a firm conviction that the world is going to the dogs. He is entirely in keeping with the spirit of the stolid room.

A YOUNG MAN enters, passing through on his way out of the club to keep an appointment. His youth and eagerness are precisely antithetical to the room and its occupant.

He notices the OLD MAN and is seized with a slight spasm of politeness.

THE YOUNG MAN: (Not stopping) Good morning, sir.

THE OLD MAN: (From behind his paper) Eh?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Stopping) Good morning, sir.

THE OLD MAN: (Putting down his paper with a pleased air) Much better, thank you.

THE YOUNG MAN: That's good, sir. It's wonderful weather. (He edges away.)

THE OLD MAN: (Benignly) H'm?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Coming back) It's wonderful weather, sir. (The Old Man looks interested but puzzled.) I say, sir, that it's really perfectly wonderful weather. (He again moves away.)

THE OLD MAN: (AS if he can hardly believe his ears) What's that?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Again coming back, but now beginning to regret his spasm of politeness) I only said, sir that it's really perfectly wonderful weather.

THE OLD MAN: (Most interested) Eh?

THE YOUNG MAN : ( With meticulous enunciation ) I just made a perfectly ordinary and uninteresting remark about the weather, sir.

THE OLD MAN: (Deeply stirred) No!! Really? ! ! !

THE YOUNG MAN: (Loudly) I'm talking about the weather, sir.

THE OLD MAN: Who have?

THE YOUNG MAN: (More loudly) No, sir—the weather! (He once more starts to leave.)

THE OLD MAN: Yes, yes, I heard you; but who's the man?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Once more returning) What man, sirr

THE OLD MAN: Eh?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Loudly) What man, sir?

THE OLD MAN: (In a tone which implies that he considers that the Young Man is speaking very indistinctly) I can't quite get it.

THE YOUNG MAN: (Very loudly) What man, sir?

THE OLD MAN: I don't know him. Does he come from Chicago?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Getting slightly frantic) No, sir, YOU don't understand.

THE OLD MAN: H'm?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Getting slightly more frantic) I said, sir, that you don't understand.

THE OLD MAN: Very what?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Getting much more frantic) You don't understand, sir.

THE OLD MAN: (In cordial agreement) Yes, indeed—very underhand.

THE YOUNG MAN: (Getting very frantic) No, sir, you haven't understood me at all. I simply made a quite innocent remark about the weather.

THE OLD MAN: (In very cordial agreement) Yes, it is. How's Jim taking it?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Utterly frantic) Taking what?

THE OLD MAN: Taking dope? Dear, dear, that's bad. Tell me all about it.

THE YOUNG MAN: (Giving up all hope and deciding to escape before he loses his voice) I'm afraid I'll have to be getting along now, sir.

THE OLD MAN: What's that?

THE YOUNG MAN: (With a supreme yell)

I said I'm afraid I'll have to be getting along now, sir.

THE OLD MAN: ( Rumi natively ) Well, well, well. When did it happen:

THE YOUNG MAN: (With rash curiosity) When did what happen?

THE OLD MAN: Eh?

HP HE YOUNG MAN: (With great pozeer) When did what happen?

THE OLD MAN: Was it recently?

THE YOUNG MAN: I don't know, sir.

TKE OLD MAN: H'm?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Shouting) I don't know, sir.

THE OLD MAN: Ages ago?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Hopelessly) Yes, sir —ages ago. (He starts for home.)

THE OLD MAN: IS he going to divorce her?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Coming back, considerably surprised and alarmed) Who, sir?

THE OLD MAN: Eh?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Violently) Who?

THE OLD MAN: Soon?

THE YOUNG MAN: (With incredible lungpower) No, sir—zehooo?

THE OLD MAN: (In the voice of one answering an unnecessarily stupid question) Why, Jim!

THE YOUNG MAN: (He feels that the thing has gone too far and determines at all costs to put it right. He draws up another chair and sits dozen beside the Old Man.) I'm afraid, sir, that you haven't been hearing me rightly.

THE OLD MAN: H'm?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Angrily) You haven't been hearing me rightly.

THE OLD MAN: T'ck, t'ck, t'ck—every night! That's bad.

THE YOUNG MAN: NO, sir, rightly—not nightly! (He kneels dozen beside the Old Man and then, taking a deep breath, he injects his words straight into the aged ear.) I was only talking about the weather in the first place.

THE OLD MAN: (More interested every minute) Which is that?

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THE YOUNG MAN: (Screaming) Do, please, sir, try to understand. I say that I've simply been talking about the weather.

THE OLD MAN: (Impatiently) Yes, yes, I heard all that. But is he going to divorce her?

THE YOUNG MAN: (To himself) Oh, God!

THE OLD MAN: I can't quite hear you. What is it?

THE YOUNG MAN: (With a Herculean veil) I said nothing, sir. I SAID NOTHING.

THE OLD MAN: NO, no, no—I won't say a word.

THE YOUNG MAN: (In a frenzy) I've simply been telling you that it's a lovely day.

THE OLD MAN: What do people say?

THE YOUNG MAN: NOTHING, SIR.

THE OLD MAN: H'mr

THE YOUNG MAN: THEY DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

THE OLD MAN: NO, no, no, I promise you—I won't repeat a word.

THE YOUNG MAN: (Beside himself) There's nothing to repeat, sir.

THE OLD MAN: There's what?

THE YOUNG MAN: THERE'S NOTHING TO REPEAT.

THE OLD MAN: (Much intrigued) He met her on the street?

THE YOUNG MAN: (Fast losing his sanity) No, sir, no, NO, N O—

THEY DON'T EXIST.

THE OLD MAN: Eh?

THE YOUNG MAN: THEY DON'T EXIST.

THE OLD MAN: (More fascinated than ever) He kissed her on the street?

THE YOUNG MAN: NO, NO,

NO, NO! ! !

THE OLD MAN: NO?

THE YOUNG MAN: YES—NO.

THF. OLD MAN: He didn't kiss her on the street?

THE YOUNG MAN: HE NEVER KISSED HER AT ALL!

THE OLD MAN: What's that?

THE YOUNG MAN: HE NEVER KISSED HER AT ALL!

THE OLD MAN: At a ball?

THE YOUNG MAN : (Losing all selfcontrol) FOR THE LAST TIME, sir,—YOU DIDN'T HEAR WHAT I SAID TO START IV I T H ! ! !

THE OLD MAN: (Blandly) Eh?

The YOUNG MAN screams and— hurling himself upon the OLD MAN — yields to the impulse against which he has long been struggling. H, strangles him.

The OLD MAN falls untidily across the arm of his chair. He expires.

The YOUNG MAN glances at him. fixes his tie and looks at his watch.

THE YOUNG MAN: (Irritably) Why-on earth didn't I do that to begin with?

The YOUNG MAN at last goes out to keep his appointment.