WHEN STARS RECORD

BLINDFOLDTEST

Our pair of critics didn't know who sang the five songs they were asked to listen to. (Answer: Bruce Willis, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Russell Crowe, John Travolta, and Keanu Reeves's Dogstar.) But that was the point. Demetri Martin and David Cross called 'em like they heard 'em.

John Ortved

LOVE HURTS David Cross (glasses, goatee) and Demetri Martin steel themselves against the siren call of Jennifer Love Hewitt's Let's Go Bang.

Jazz aficionados will be familiar with the Blindfold Test, a recurring Down Beat magazine feature in which musicians listen to a track and comment on it, without knowing who the artist is. Celebrity aficionados will be familiar with the actor-as-musician phenomenon, that unfortunate misstep in many a movie or TV star's career in which he or she, feeling limited by the screen, jumps platforms, hires a producer (or two or three), and releases a record of dubious artistic, if not commercial, worth. Movies Rock recently subjected comedians Demetri Martin {The Daily Show with Jon Stewart) and David Cross {Arrested Development, Mr. Show with Bob and David) to songs from five such albums, letting on only that the music was of starry provenance. Opinions expressed are solely those of Mr. Cross and Mr. Martin and do not represent the views of Movies Rock, especially in regard to future cover subjects.

"Respect Yourself," by Bruce Willis, from the album The Return of Bruno (1987).

DEMETRI MARTIN It's like they turned on everything in the studio.

DAVID CROSS And just got professionals to cover up whoever's shitty vocals those are and idea that is, whoever's vanity project. Was that Bruce Willis?

MOVIES ROCK Yeah, that was Bruce Willis.

D.C. Ironically, he's talking about respecting yourself and he picked the absolute worst medium to get that across.

D.M. Well, that's why it's not called "Respect Myself."

"Free to Be a Woman," by Jennifer Love Hewitt, from the album Let's Go Bang (1995).

D.C. It's a woman, obviously. Sounds a little En Vogue-y. I'm going to guess late 80s.

M.R. More like mid-90s.

D.C. Mid-90s. Is it a Saved by the Bell lady?

M.R. Close. /Hinting:/ After Saved by the Bell, there were some other shows that really captured the teenage imagination...

D.M. You mean destroyed it?

D.C. Veronica Marsl Is that Veronica Mars? Did Veronica Mars go back in time?

M.R. It's Jennifer Love Hewitt. It's from her album Let's Go Bang, from 1995.

D.M. So she's pretty young there.

D.C. That's no excuse. That is absolutely no excuse.

D.M. Were there any hits off of this album?

M.R. There were not.

D.M. People didn't give it a fair shake. Her music sounds like somebody having a great time.

D.C. And that person is not the person listening to the music, or anybody involved with the making of the music, except for the girl who's singing.

D.M. But you could remix it.

D.C. So that it sounds like the producer is having a good time.

"Swallow My Gift," by Russell Crowe, from the album Other Ways of Speaking (2003).

D.C. That's Russell Crowe.

M.R. Yes.

D.C. The reason that I guessed that so quickly is because I'd heard his band has a watered-down Elvis Costello vibe, which that totally did. Which is insulting, to say the least, to Elvis Costello.

D.M. "Swallow My Gift." I wonder if the lyrics came first in that song. Or if the musical tapestry made him think, God, what does this remind me of?

DuC. Why do I have to swallow his gift? Also, not that great of a gift.

D.M. He's not from where we're from.

D.C. He's from the exact opposite side of the world. So they may have the exact opposite idea of what good music is. In Australia, when you come, do you come the opposite way? Does it go in the counterclockwise swirly way?

D.M. There are these idiomatic expressions in Australia—like "swallowing a gift" there could mean something else entirely.

D.C. It could be something a mom says to a child as she's rocking them to sleep.

D.M. I don't know. Great movie, though.

A Beautiful Mind of Mencia is one of my favorite films.

"Razzamatazz," by John Travolta, from the compilation CD Greased Lightningsong first released in 1976).

D.C. That's John Travolta. It's not as offensive to me, immediately, as the other three were. Bruce Willis being the absolute worst. Jennifer Love Hewitt is, you know...

D.M. She's figuring it out.

D.C. She's a kid. She's not particularly bright.

D.M. Really cute, though.

D.C. Super-cute. And Russell Crowe, there's an arrogance, but at least he's trying to ...

D.M. He's got a message.

D.C. I have a CD of music that L. Ron Hubbard wrote and recorded. L. Ron sings on the last song of the album, but John Travolta sings a couple, and Leif Garrett.

D.M. It's like rappers coming in to guest.

D.C. Yeah, and oddly enough, I'm not joking, Timbaland came in to produce it.

D.M. I hope that's true. [It is, except for the part about Timbaland.—Editor]

D.C. Yeah, this is a great album. And by "great," I mean terrible.

D.M. There aren't that many things that make disco sound like it has a lot of integrity.

D.C.[Picking up album and pretending to read a label on the cover] "Warning: Don't listen to this."

D.M. What was the name of that song?

M.R. Track number 4: "Razzamatazz."

D.M. I was hoping it was that. That's awesome.

D.C. Oh wow, track number 5 is called "I Don't Know What I

"What are in Dogstar doing now? They're just constantly calling Keanu. 'Hey, Keanu... It's Gary from ... um.."

Like About You Baby," and then in parentheses: "Probably That You Have a Vagina." Hmm.

"Halo," by Keanu Reeves's band, Dogstar, from the album Happy Ending (2000).

D.M. Is that Keanu Reeves?

M.R. Yes!

D.C. What are the other guys in Dogstar doing now? They're just constantly calling Keanu. "Hey, Keanu ... It's Gary from Dogstar ... um..."

D.M. "Thanks again for the motorcycle you gave me... I've written some new... actually I still can't write anything... so maybe we can do some covers? Let's cover Johnny Depp's band."

D.C. "Haven't heard from you in a while... Listen, man, I'm going through my calendar and I'm finding... looks like

April through... next April's pretty free..." D.M.[Reading liner notes] Ah, this was recorded in Sherman Oaks.

D.C.Oh wow.

D.M. I would not have known that this came from the Valley. But I believe that's where Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure took place. [Actually, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure mostly took place in San Dimas, east of Los Angeles. —Editor]

D.C. Oh yeah. And that's where most of our porn comes from. So it's like ear porn.

D.M. It does come full circle. It's something you don't want someone seeing your ears listening to. [Reading lyrics] "Grab my hand and I'll pull you out / I'm trying to live a life / That cuts me like a knife / That's dull /1 wrapped myself up tight / And stored it with the rest of the things." D.C. Wait. He's trying to live his life like it's something that cuts like a knife?

D.M. I don't mean to be a dick, but if you're going to steal from Keats, I think you should credit the poet.