The REAL America OUR Red-State APPEASEMENT SECTION

JAMIE MALANOWSKI

The red states: a vast expanse of terrain that the mainstream media have long assumed to be an undifferentiated landscape of fast-food restaurants, big-box stores, crop fields, and meth labs. To redress this patronizing misrepresentation, what follows is a roundup—the first of many—of what's setting the heartland's hearts aflutter.

THE ALBUM: During her quarter-century-long career, Amy Grant has projected an image that has run the gamut from Worldly Contemporary Christian Woman to Contemporarily Christian Woman of the World. Grant has successfully emulated the careers of such artists as Sam Cooke and Clyde McPhatter, both of whom began in the choir and moved to the stage, except that she's always been, you know, whiter. Just out is her album Time Again ... Amy Grant Live. Other hot releases this month: Dying for a Heart, by Krystal Meyers, the Christian Hilary Duff; Don't Wait, by Adie, the Christian Sarah McLachlan; Every Time I Breathe, by Big Daddy Weave, the Christian Smash Mouth; Live Like Were Alive, by Nevertheless, the Christian Hootie and the Blowfish_THE SHOW: Nothing is red-statier than Texas high-school football, and Friday Night Lights (which NBC, with brilliant counterintuition, has scheduled for Tuesday evenings) should follow in the footsteps of JAG and Walker, Texas Ranger to become a red-state hit_THE DESTINATION: For families keen to enjoy a Florida vacation but who find Disney World and Sea World to be too much of a walk on the wild side, a visit to the Holy Land Experience, in Orlando, "a living biblical museum and park," may be just the ticket. Since the park's opening, in 2001, more than 1.2 million visitors have paid up to $29.99 (the price of an adult one-day pass) to tour sites such as the Great Temple and Calvary's Garden Tomb, enjoy live shows that present the story of Moses and the miracles of Jesus, and dine on fa\afel,fattoush, "giant Goliath Burgers," and "Jaffa Hot Dogs," in the Oasis Palms Cafe. Souvenirs available from the Old Scroll Shop include Bearnardo the Scribal Bear, a foam Roman sword and shield, and Understanding End Times, a six-CD recording about preparing for the end of the world. Holy Land Experience fans will be delighted to hear that, in June, Governor Jeb Bush signed into law a bill that exempts theme parks that "display, exhibit, illustrate and interpret biblical manuscripts" from paying local property taxes.... THE GARMENT: Who wouldn't want to own a T-shirt bearing the words UNDOCUMENTED AGENT, U.S. BORDER PATROL? The manufacturer's pitch: "Wear it down to your local home improvement center and watch 'em scatter!" Visit rightwingstuff.com, where you'll find similarly adorned coffee mugs, beer mugs, bumper stickers, and trucker hats_THE HOT DATE: The online-dating community ConservativeMatch.com, whose motto is "Sweethearts not bleeding hearts" (evidently, amorous conservatives also dislike commas), offers a free service, the Conservative Match events calendar, that provides awesome date suggestions for "single, married, young or senior people." For example, match-minded conservatives in Arizona are given a choice of 15 different pro-life protests to attend in Tempe or Phoenix over the course of September. Check the site for the latest listings about October—the romantic possibilities are endless!