Diary ANN COULTER

Me, I don't go much to art galleries. Call me quaint, but I don't particularly feel like being brutally sodomized, stabbed, and left for dead by the kind of serial-killing vermin those liberal curators would like to release from jail so they can spend more time roaming from room to room looking for true God-fearing Americans to rape.

But—pity me—I just made the mistake of visiting an exhibition of Renaissance socalled masterpieces.

So what's with the Virgin Mary? Get a grip, woman!

Someone needs to teach these female liberals how to mourn.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think a grief-stricken mom should spend her time posing for artists in her finest silk gowns at the foot of the cross in a 24-hour sob-athon. And who says she wouldn't have just sat around nagging him if he'd gotten off that cross?

Ozone, schmozone. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it just the same America-hating liberal crybabies who one minute whine about the ice cap melting and the next minute start bleating that we're running out of drinking water! Could someone please tell me what language those liberals are speaking? It sure to hell isn't English!

First they tell us we're descended from the ape. Then they tell us their hairy Arab pal Osama—and don't anyone start trying to convince me the guy's not an Arab—should be installed in the White House as the next Democrat president. And now what? They try to force us to believe that the Earth isn't flat!!

To that devious end, the liberals have placed globes in all our classrooms and are paying their teacher-lackeys to put the lives of millions of American schoolchildren in jeopardy. First, they force them to believe that they can just keep on walking. Then they sit back and watch them fall off the edge. Nice guys, huh?

Nowhere in the Christian Bible does it say the Earth is round. If that were the case, don't you think God might have mentioned it just once? After all, it was Him who created it! And how do the trendy liberal RoundEarthers with their bad skin and their latte halitosis explain how the people on the other side of the "globe" don't just topple off into space? Their answer? "Gravity." The rewriting of history is complete! Sorry, guys, but gravity is just a theory. And a theory, I might add, in which those charming little liberal crushes of yours—Stalin and Pol Pot and Mao Zedong—also believed. Great company to be keeping, huh?

Let us not flinch from identifying liberalism as the opposite party to God. If Jesus was a liberal, he would surely have told us not to blast our enemy to kingdom come but to turn the other cheek. And if he hadn't wanted us to work hard and look to the future, he'd have advised us to just sit around doing nothing, like the hideous lilies of the valley.

It's a proven fact that the media in America is 100 percent a top-secret liberal conspiracy determined to silence every dissenting voice —and in the past six months I've appeared on over 100 top-rated TV shows and published over 200 articles nationwide just to prove it.

I tell it like it is, a thousand times a day. Snow White? Snow Dirt-Black, more like—the woman was a shameless, dwarf-loving, drug-taking whore who never even managed to pull a guy her own size. Grumpy, Happy, Dopey, Pervy—anyone who hangs out with that midget crowd deserves to be poisoned by a rotten apple. Hey, someone give that Queen a medal!

Tomorrow I'm on network television pulling the wings off a fly, for its own good. The day after, I'm on Fox arguing that Iraq is this year's No. 1 holiday destination, that—fact— George Clooney is just four foot one inch tall when he takes his elevator heels off, and that it's a typical liberal myth that two and two don't make five. You know what? It's having opinions like this that gets a girl noticed.

CRAIG BROWN