Opening the Borders

The world's largest private humanitarian relief organization, Doctors Without Borders (Medecins sans Frontieres), provides emergency medical assistance to populations in danger in more than 80 countries. Why should these noble individuals labor alone? HENRY ALFORD explores the possibilities.

EVENT PLANNERS WITHOUT BORDERS (Orchestrateuses sans Frontieres)

They will pinpoint parties and functions that are "at risk" and airlift to these gatherings fog machines, grass skirts, and volcanoes made out of broccoli. They will make available, to all in need, a lowcost Denim and Diamonds event. They will erect face-painting booths. They will fuel the idea that rooms can be named after fruits: you are standing in Pineapple, but you're headed straight for Kiwi! They will distribute gift bags to areas in conflict; these gift bags will contain a videotape of a movie you saw on an airplane, a Celine Dion CD, and squeeze packets of a beauty product called either Permanent Upheaval Creme or Plastique: The Lotion.

EX-PRESIDENTS WITHOUT BORDERS (Presidents d'Hier sans Frontieres)

They will selflessly accept the perk of lifetime free postage. They will selflessly agree to speak at the Morgan Stanley Dean Witter conference in Boca for $75,000 and, in a stirring beau geste, linger afterward over cocktails. They will publicly bear witness to the plight of the unkissed baby. They will disseminate the horrifying information that, prior to the passing of the Former Presidents Act of 1958, a financially strapped Harry Truman was forced to move in with his motherin-law. They will allow taxpayers to pay for the staff and upkeep of presidential libraries and museums, regardless of the fact that the Gene Autry Museum gets more visitors than the nearby Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. They will spend vast amounts of time in the field, often accompanied by their caddie. They will offer to cut ribbons at malls that have already opened. They will appear, at all times, startlingly lifelike.

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THEATER CRITICS WITHOUT BORDERS

(Critiques du Theatre sans Frontieres)

They will furnish families in remote areas with videotapes of Bravo's Inside the Actors Studio. They will resolve all border disputes by designating various sectors of the area in question as being "On," "Off," or "Off Off." They will enter the public-school system and develop programs to distribute pens that light up in the dark. They will fly to rural areas and monitor the agricultural cycle from planting to harvest, opining, "In a word, sluggish." They will liken the interim government to the work of Julie Taymor, calling it "puppety." They will sniff that the Ministry of Culture's taste is "very Danskin crotch panel."

SOCIALITES WITHOUT BORDERS

(Mondains sans Frontieres)

They will suggest that the best way to replenish the water supply is to buy stock in Pellegrino. They will approach all border disputes by encouraging both parties to rent chateaux in the Loire Valley for the summer. They will counsel an emerging nation to change the colors of its flag to lime and fuchsia. They will refer to meat loaf as "aspirational pate." They will advise the leader of any developing country who is handed a report of his nation's severe debt crisis simply to emblazon this report with his signature and his room number. They will suggest refugees take some time off and enroll in a photography class. They will advocate that if you really want to make the world a better place, first go on a ski weekend in Gstaad, bringing along with you the Jell-O heiress, your bichon frise, and Paris and Nicky Hilton's number in the Hamptons.

GODS WITHOUT BORDERS

(Dieux sans Frontieres)

They will lionize unsung heroes, and shore up any brain space heretofore devoted to thoughts about Meg Ryan. Their relief efforts will include the sudden extinction of fluorescent lighting. They will bring suitable ends to the Ceau§escus, mosquitoes, and the person who designed the packaging of CDs. They will encourage Joyce Carol Oates and Woody Allen to rest more. They will encourage Adam Sandler to look deeper. They will see to it that people who use the expression "Don't go there" are met with uncomprehending stares. They will ease the pain of gender confusion by adding, to any form or questionnaire reading "Male or Female," the third option, "Folksinger." They will halt the process by which the term "coffee" is inexorably becoming interchangeable with "decaf cinnamonhazelnut." They will remove every single scraggly pubic hair from every single bar of soap in the world. They will help people learn not to exceed their bite-to-chew ratio. They will abolish prejudice, intolerance, PABA. They will rethink cilantro. They will not rest on the seventh day; they will rinse and repeat.