Calendar Boy

MAYFLIES, GADFLIES, LOSE THE NECKTIES

SUNDAY

MONDAY

TUESDAY

Clara Bow retrospective, Film Forum, New York City. This 20s flapper actress, celebrated in a book by David Stenn tha has been re-released, was the world's first "It girl." That means she put out. If the "It" refers to what I think it does.

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones release a new album, Pay Attention, a sign that this bigband thing is coming to an end.

O. Henry Pun-Off World Championship, O. Henry Museum, Austin, Texas. Much to everyone's annoyance, a 104-year-old woman yells "That's punnyl" after each entry. But she has money, so they let her stay.

American Ballet Theatre's 60th-anniversary opening-night gala. Worth attending just to listen to « elderly former dancers say, "Your knees? I should only be so lucky." ^

"A Century of Design, Part II: 1925-1950," Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York City. This part focuses on the Bauhaus movement. Part IV focuses exclusively on products sold at Target.

Mother's Day. Yet again, Calendar Boy's mom will open his present, sigh, and say, "I went through eight hours of labor and this is what I get?' It's not easy to be^^ Calendar Boy.

They Drew Fire: Combat Artists of World War II, a book and PBS special by Pulitzer Prize-winning photojournalist Brian Lanker. The real combat artists, who won the war by painting half-naked women on the sides of bombers in the Pacific, are once . again not given their due.

Tori Spelling turns 27. Her breasts turn seven and a half.

Bay to Breakers race, San Fiancisto. People wear costumes, get naked( vomit from drinking too mucn, and buy one another's billion dollar companies as they run the largest road race in the country. - ^

Victoria Day, Canada. No idea what this is, but it involves Queen Victoria, who wasn't even Queen of Canada. Canadians are pathetic.

Declaration of the Bab, Baha'i. The only religion with an apostrophe, and not one single member anyone has ever met, has a holiday.

Indy 500. Imagine going to a sporting event just to see an accident happen. It's like voting for George W. Bush.

Memorial Day. Nothing says "These people died for our freedom" like picnics, swimming, and barbecue. Couldn't Charles Schulz have eked out a special on this one instead of focusing all his attention on Halloween?

predicttha^y by today Regis will have overstayed his welcome.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

Frederick Law Olmsted Awards Luncheon, Conservatory Garden, Central Park, New York City. This is the event when all the society ladies wear their hats. If you can't make it, pictures are available for $2.95 on the fetish site www.societyladiesinhats.com.

Kansas Barbed Wire Swap/Sell, LaCrosse, Kansas. Through the sixth. Barbed-wire collectors meet here to trade wire and stories. The most commonly heard phrase is "No way! I'm a white supremacist, tool"

125th anniversary of the Kentucky Derby. 126th time someone tells perennial Derby winner Bob Baffert to lose the giant 80s David Koresh sunglasses.

Cannes Film Festival, through the 21 st. Snotty Americans upset to find the "town is pronounced "can" rather than '"con." Long-distance calls to apologize to Unde Jeb prove

The Webby Awards, Masonic Center, San Francisco. These awards for best Web sites are better than the Oscars because winners are asked to give a five-word acceptance speech. Most overused speech: Please look for our I.P.O.

Battlefield Earth. John Travolta escapes from an even more painful way to pay his Scientology dues by starring in a film based on an L. Ron Hubbard science-fiction book.

Liberace Play-A-Like Competition, Liberace Museum, Las Vegas. Most commonly heard backstage remark: ' "No way! I'm gay, too!" PEN/Faulkner Awards, Wmhington, D.C. Last year, this award for American writing went to The Hours, a book based on Virginia Woolf's extremely British Mrs. Dallowav. Our country is pathetic.

17 Sotheby's Spring Contemporary Art Auction. Sotheby's describes this as "like eBay except live and in real time." I can't picture it, but it sounds interesting.

Full moon. New York mayor Rudy Giuliani gives someone else credit.

19 Daytime Emmy Awards. Calendar Boy refuses to give you the Susan Lucci joke you crave. Instead, he just hopes Luke and Laura get over that silly Cassadine Island kidnapping fling and get back together. Calendar Boy has a lot of free time during the day.

20 Preakness Stakes, Baltimore. This second part of the Triple Crown has been run for longer than the Kentucky Derby, but since there's no drink associated with it, no one pays attention.

24 Harper's Magazine 150th Anniversary Gala, Grand Central Terminal, New York City. This should be great if it's anything like the 75th Anniversary Gala, where a drunk Thomas Nast drew a particularly unflattering picture of Frank Bellew on his napkin and all hell broke loose.

25 Mille Miglia Storica, Italy, through the 28th. This is the old-car race that takes place on the streets, so please try to stay off the roads this V' ,, week. Though that, , of course, is what \ makes the race so challenging.

26 8 % Women opens. Peter Greenaway, who offended many with The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover, makes a movie about a millionaire inspired by Fellini's 8'A who creates a harem with eight and one-half women. Fox immediately buys the rights to a series.

Last day of the Royal Shakespeare Company's performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Brooklyn Academy of Music, E Brooklyn, New York. For those who don't remember, this is the play Sr about how Puck can't get anyone to' come to his Soap Box Derby.

31 "Annenberg Collection of Impressionist and PostImpressionist Masterworks," Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York City. Monet and Manet were both Impressionists, kind of like the Anna Nicole Smith/Anna Deavere Smith of their time. Calendar Boy doesn't know much about art.