Sandra Bernhard

From her 1983 film debut in Martin Scorsese's The King of Comedy to her acerbic stand-up performances, to her recent Broadway hit, I'm Still Here... Damn It!, Sandra Bernhard has proved to be comedy's irreverent hipster queen. This month, as she takes her show on tour, Bernhard pauses to sound off on bottom feeders, taxi drivers, and lunching with supermodels

Proust Questionnaire

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

A cross-country road trip with a new lover and my baby riding shotgun.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

I can tell you what historical figure is most associated with me: Sarah Bernhardt. Unfortunately she's not here to comment.

What is your greatest extravagance?

My open account with a high-class escort service and a standing reservation at the Carlyle.

What is your favorite journey?

Steve Perry.

On what occasion do you lie?

Onstage, during interviews, during grand-jury testimony, when I get pulled over for speeding, and when I come through customs after a shopping extravaganza in a Third World country.

Which living person do you most despise?

The stinky taxi driver who picked me up at 14th and Eighth on December 1, 1998, at approximately 5:15 P.M.

What is your greatest regret?

A recent tension-fraught lunch with a supermodel.

When and where were you happiest?

The weeklong anticipation before a recent tension-fraught lunch with a supermodel (which I now regret).

Which talent would you most like to have?

The ability to bullshit my way into a major motion picture.

What is your current state of mind?

Whacked out on muscle relaxants and echinacea.

What is your most treasured possession?

My mucus plug—it sits on my desk in a snow globe.

Where would you like to live?

1006 Bluff Ridge Drive, New Albany, Indiana.

What is your most marked characteristic?

A tiny mole on the bottom of my foot.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Lots of prickly ear hair.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

A shrill, bitchy edge that never stops.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Neely O'Hara.

What are your favorite names?

Ezekiel, Tina, Mickey, Tilly, Loulou, Maurice, Herminio.

What is it that you most dislike?

Bottom feeders.

What is your motto?

"Kiss 'em, slap 'em, send 'em home."