The O.J. Emmys

For Outstanding Performances in the Trial of the Century

Vanities

efense attorneys are great actors. I tell you, Johnnie Cochran deserves an Emmy. "

—Faye Resnick, Larry King Live, October 3, 1995.

Best Performance:

O. J. Simpson, for his attempt to try on the bloodstained gloves.

Best MusicalProduction Number:

"Footloose," the dance Sydney Simpson performed in at the Paul Revere junior high school the day of the murders.

Best Cinematography:

The L.A.P.D., for its time-coded video tour of the Rockingham estate, which carefully revealed the absence of bloody socks on the bedroom rug.

Most Admirable Restraint: Michael Eisner, for not having O.J. say "I'm going to Disneyland" once the verdict was announced.

▼ Best Performance in the Role of Idiot Savant: Kato Kaelin, for remembering he had entered the Simpson garage exactly 16 times in his life.

▼ Best Stage Name:

"Mr. Johnnie," Rosa Lopez's pet name for Johnnie Cochran.

Best Casting Director:

Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, jury nsultant to the Simpson defense, who had previously worked for the successful defense team in the Rodney Kingbeating trial.

Best Suspect, Runner-Up: (tie)

Paula Barbieri, who in a fit of jealousy hired a hit man to assassinate Nicole, and Jason Simpson, who, upon discovering that Nicole would tell O.J. of their affair, borrowed the Bronco and Frogmen knife and then allowed his father to take the rap for him.

Best Attempt to Find Alternative Killer:

800-322-3632, the Simpson-defense tip line. The original menu selection allowed callers to press "4" if they wished to retain the firm of Robert Shapiro.

Best Theory Printed in Newsweek: That the murders were committed by a "crazed homosexual."

Best Network-Anchor Sign-Off: "We have just heard from Kato Kaelin, a witness for the prosecution. Let us keep in mind this is a man who refers to a Big Mac as the main course."

Best Love Scenes:

Katie Couric, who sent Judge Ito a cake on his birthday and embraced Robert Shapiro as he left the courtroom following the verdict.

▼ Best B Plot:

Marcia Clark, for her simultaneous child-custody battle.

Best Character Analysis:Time's Elizabeth Gleick in March 1995— "Many people who know Fuhrman . . . insist he is not, and never was, a racist."

Best Merchandising:

Town and Country Limousine, for the auction of the stretch Town Car in which Allan Park drove O. J.

Simpson to the airport.

A Best Costume Design:

The Simpson women on big yellow day.

A Best Fashion Tie-In: A

men's store in Barbados, for holding a special sale on "Johnnie Cochran suits."

Best Diplomatic Performance: Russian president Boris Yeltsin, whose first question to President Clinton at a Washington summit meeting last year was "Do you think O.J. did it?"

Best Acceptance Speech:

O. J. Simpson, through his son Jason— "I will pursue as my primary goal in life the killer or killers that have slaughtered Nicole and Mr. Goldman."

▼ Best Nude Scene: (tie) Paula Barbieri, for her October 1994 Playboy spread, and Judge Lance Ito, who as a U.C.L.A. undergraduate celebrated Pearl Harbor Day by running through the halls of his dorm yelling "Banzai!" while wearing nothing but a leather bomber's cap.

Best Post-trial Party:

The Simpson-jury champagne blowout in the Presidential Suite of the Hotel Inter-Continental on Monday, October 2, to celebrate its quick verdict. The in-house pianist led the jury in sing-alongs of "Come on Baby, Let the Good Times Roll" and "Stormy Monday Blues." One 72-year-old juror was inspired to dance for her colleagues. "Sort of like a little old soft-shoe," said pianist Jeanette Baker. The party closed with a group hug which included the hotel's head of housekeeping and pastry chef.

▼ The Susan Lucci Lifetime Achievement Award:

Gil Garcetti, for losing the trial of Reginald Denny's assailants, the Menendez brothers' hung jury, and most especially losing the O. J. Simpson case.

ADAM LEFF

RICHARD RUSHFIELD