Astrology

Cracking crab

When Mel Brooks is about to boil over, he knows Anne Bancroft will keep the lid on his pot. Every Cancer wants someone around who is sober, sane, and as wise as an ancient Greek. If that person possesses a trace of the Wicked Witch or Fulgencio Batista, so much the better; Cancers are drawn to the implacable and unyielding. If you play Everest to their Hillary, they'll be climbing all over you forever. No: when they beg for warmth, give them an icy little peck on the cheek, and when they start carrying on like Susan Hayward in I Want to Live!, just tell them to cut it. They'll whine and snivel till their nose runs, but they'll wind up proposing.

The Duke of Windsor and Nelson Rockefeller notwithstanding, Cancers often marry with status in mind; their mate's career is a big thing to them, as long as it doesn't interfere with their needs. And all Cancers expect a formal wedding, so don't suggest elopement.

Basically, there are two kinds of Cancers: the sensitive, nurturing kind, who can just feel a moussaka coming on, and the I-wouldn't-be-caughtdead-in-the-kitchen type, who considers it fussing, for your birthday dinner, to order a pizza with everything. Both of these resent the pressure you put on them just by existing, yet they know deep down they are responsible for you till the end. If your Cancer goes first, just lean close and you'll hear these final touching words: "There's meat loaf in the freezer. ' '

Current trends: The temptation to crawl under the covers and drown in jelly is greater than ever, but I swear by all that is cosmic, your well-being requires the utmost professionalism right now. People have had their eye on you, and you could get pulled out of the chorus for a solo—if you can stay out of bed. So keep your job or get one, no matter how you hate work.

If you start looking back on the people who have failed you, you could go all the way back to your parents, and that could hurt. And for God's sake, get out of the house. Under no circumstances are you to watch reruns of The Waltons! Teddy bears must go.

CONFIDENTIAL TO HIS HOLINESS THE DALAI LAMA OF TIBET: Even the most enlightened of us want to be taken care of as we were back in childhood. You're right, of course: if we didn't have those longings and cravings we just can't seem to give up, we wouldn't suffer. So where doyouget the strength to deal with it all? Whenyourheart is crying out to be back in the embrace of Mama Tibet, whose lap do you layyourhead in?

We all admire your dedication to saving a world that has robbed you of your home. But for now, like every Cancer, you've got to dry your eyes and get out there and wow 'em.

Michael Lutin