Taurus

Bull wit

HOW to make a Taurus: Take one chunky human being. Marinate in a vat of margaritas. Remove and dip completely in chocolate. Roll in fur and sprinkle with emeralds. Serve in a nice-size Rolls.

The people born between April 20 and May 20 are creatures of appetite—gluttonous but shy and good-natured. They're like baby birds with their beaks upturned in expectation of a nice big fat juicy worm, and with the passage of time they tend to look more and more like baby grands and move more and more like Rose Bowl floats. Once they pass thirty-five their age corresponds pretty closely to their waistline.

As a group they are quite spiritual: the Buddha was one. And sensitive: the toughest of them is likely to sob at the very mention of Lana Turner in Imitation of Life. And clannish: a hard-core Taurus like the Ayatollah Khomeini is not apt to develop a taste for kosher pickles.

And stubborn: When Hurricane Hilda hits Tallahassee, the whole city is evacuated. But after the floodwaters recede and only palm trees and rubble remain, there are Mr. and Mrs. Taurus, unmoved and unscratched, still standing over the grill making hamburgers, and all they have to do is relight the charcoal.

The male Taurus is as smooth as Der Bingle and as polished as Astaire's tap shoes. He always carries a wad of hundreds and a long plastic accordion of credit cards. With his nose poised over a brandy glass, he will earnestly discuss subsidies and social benefits. He is more than likely to reverse his position, though, if you tell him that liberal politics might mean no more Cuban cigars. He's so possessive that he'll list you on his insurance policy between the

town house and his grandmother's silver, but, if it's any comfort, he'll also support you in a style guaranteed to give you gout. He's easygoing and slow to anger. But don't abuse him. Tauruses have been known to shoot their lovers.

The Taurus female is a gorgeous, ripe fruit, ranging in size and shape from a Bose pear to a giant watermelon. She has lush tastes: her home is furnished like Mount Vernon, lit like a Vermeer, and gilded like Liberace's bathroom. She resents being thought of as a gold digger, but the moment a successful man enters the room, her petals flap open and pheromones fly. Just keep letting her know how much you value her and she'll be your walking erogenous zone, especially if you dress like the plumber. In bed she'll treat you like a double scoop of HaagenDazs, finishing off your toes like the tip of a sugar cone.

Tauruses are loyal, steadfast, and true, principally because they believe in forever but also because they know the cost of a decent divorce lawyer. So if you want to be able to reach out in the night and touch something real, real in the Western, whippedcream-and-cheesecake sense, go for the most beautiful neck at the party. It is bound to belong to a Taurus.

Predictions for 1985: People at the top will be making offers, but Tauruses are committed elsewhere. Professionally and emotionally they're scared of any relationship that is both seductive and threatening. Catholic Tauruses—Pope John Paul II is one—will have to resolve their ambivalence over separation and divorce.

Confidential to Queen Elizabeth: Your Majesty, this is going to be the heaviest year since your father died. Here's a hint for coping: You were bom a week and a half after Hugh Hefner and just over a month before Marilyn Monroe. Doesn't that tell you anything?

Michael Lutin