So you're going to Africa?

AS TOLD TO COREY FORD

EDITOR'S NOTE: In view of the rapidly increasing tourist travel to Africa today, the editors of Vanity Fair have decided that the Dark Continent should be included henceforth in the popular series of guide-books, So You're Going to, etc. For this purpose, therefore, they have secured the exclusive services of none other than Miss June Triplett, demure heroine of Salt Water Taffy, whose own amazing safari across Africa with lipstick and camera is described in Mr. Ford's Coconut Oil.

■ Despite the current flood of African books, African movies and African lectures that have emerged from this interesting country, the average tourist who is planning a week-end in the jungle has only the scantiest knowledge of where he may put up for the night, how to see and understand the cathedrals and other points of historical interest, or up-to-date information on shops, restaurants and comfort-stations along the African trail. In order to satisfy this need, I offer here, for what they are worth, several useful facts which I picked up in the course of my African trip.

On the whole, I should say that the hotels in Africa are adequate. Some of them are superb, particularly in the more popular tourist districts such as the teeming game-fields of Tanganyika or the cannibal districts in the Belgian Congo; but in "backwoods" sections like the Sudan, for example, the hostelries are overcrowded and rather poor, and often the tourist must be content to manage without electric lights or even private bath. Tips, ranging from 10 to 20% of the gross, are added to the hills. The food in Africa is uniformly good, including some of the quaint native dishes such as Seabrook Stew or the popular Panther-Juice Cocktail. Bathing at exclusive water-holes is featured by the better establishments; miniature golf is to be had in many Ituri Pigmy villages; and there are interesting motor-trips in armored cars to the surrounding game-fields, where the week-end guest may disport himself with machine-gun or hand-grenade amid the lions, rhinos or elephants. If this pleasant pastime palls, moreover, the victim of ennui may find new fascination shopping in the native bazaars for mounted zebra heads, phallic images, stranded white goddesses, or other souvenirs to show the folks "back home."

Whether you go to Africa by motor or by rail, you will find excellent travel facilities awaiting you. The jungle trails have been worn as smooth as the finest concrete boulevards at home by the truckloads of cameramen scurrying up and down the paths by day and night, making new African movies; and filling-stations are frequent in the veldt. If you prefer to "do" Africa by train, moreover, you will find the jungle is traversed by a veritable network of tracks; and native porters, resplendent in their bright red head-dresses, eagerly await the traveler at every junction in the trail.

• Let us say that you have arrived in Africa of a Friday, therefore, and wish to spend an interesting and profitable week-end in the Dark Continent. With so much time on your hands, I should suggest some such comfortable itinerary as follows: First day, start at Capetown and motor north to Algeria by a pleasant winding road, stopping of! for lunch at the historic Victoria Falls, a scenic phenomenon of great beauty and significance. (Legend tells us that Victoria Falls derives its name from the fact that the late Queen of England lost her balance during a visit to the spot and sat down heavily on the seventh wonder of the world, thus not only supplying the watercourse with its present name but also jolting her hat forward on her head and setting a style that has persisted to the present day. But enough of history for the nonce!) From this spot we may motor through the Congo to Johannesburg, thence straight to Egypt where we halt for tea. The rest of the afternoon may be devoted to "doing" the Sahara, and excellent accommodations for the night are to be had in the Grand Hotel de Trop at Morocco, which burned down several years ago.

On the following day, after a hasty breakfast and a quick run back to Johannesburg for a pair of rubbers we left in the hall-closet, we are ready to devote our second day to that outstanding African sport: being photographed beside dead animals. In the olden days it was often necessary for the tourist in Africa to go out and shoot these animals himself, involving considerable time and expense; but thanks to modern improvements instituted by the Sahara Chamber of Commerce, this inconvenience has been done away with entirely. All that is required in Africa today is for the adventurer on safari to phone the nearest stock yards, specifying the kind of trophy desired, including details as to size and preferable color of mane (i.e., a tawny bide to accompany light blond hair, etc.) and the Chamber of Commerce will deliver a slain animal at the hotel doorstep, mounted and suitable for photographing. If this involves too much effort, moreover, the tourist may simply send a passport photograph of himself to the Tourist Agency, and it will be pasted above the snapshot of a dead lion or zebra and returned to the tourist complete with express rifle, native guides, and rotogravure caption explaining how the beast was shot down in the very nick of time while attempting to charge the camera-man.

■ Our last day, Sunday, may be devoted to the Art Museums (which are closed) or for getting a good sleep.

This sample itinerary suggests only a few of the many pleasures which the tourist may derive from a weekend in the jungle today. My first bit of advice to the would-be African adventurer is: Read all about Africa before you start.

My second bit of advice is: Don't start on the trip at all.