H. M. S. Bookstore

An Innocuous Operetta Suggesting a Possible Happy Ending for the Current Book-Club War

JOHN RIDDELL

(Musical Score by Sir Arthur Sullivan)

IN AS MUCH as this whole thing is an allegory, and allegories are never very easy to understand at best, it may help matters slightly if we explain right at the outset that this little playlet is an entirely innocent comment on the current* War between the Book Clubs and the Book Sellers, and that its action revolves about the career of a recent deep-sea autobiography which has played a conspicuous part in that controversy. The allegory is given here exactly as presented last Saturday before the Kensico Dam at the big outdoor Strawberry Festival of the White Plains Thursday Ladies Bicycle and Whist Club, in a pouring rain.

The plot of this allegory (call this thing an allegory once more, and we wont have anybody reading it) is as follows: The Five Judges of the Literary Clubs are approached by Little Publisher and June Triplett, the Captains Daughter. After June has confessed her ambition to see Salt Water Taffy, her autobiography, become a best seller, she and the Judges agree to elope from her father's ship, H.M.S. Bookstore. Their plot is overheard by Dick Deadeye Colcord, however, and he reports it to the Captain. June's elopement is interrupted, the Captain disowns his daughter as an illegitimate child, and the Five Judges threaten battle; but in the nick of time Little Publisher tactfully smoothes matters over again, and the play ends happily, especially for the audience.

Now, have you got that right? Five Judges, June tries to elope, interrupted by Father, Little Publisher smoothes things over, finale. All ready for those lights, Joe.

SCENE: The quarter-deck of H.M.S. Bookstore. Crew is busy splicing infinitives, polishing sentences, working at galleys, etc. In the centre of the deck the FIVE JUDGES are inspecting the work carefully.

SONG: THE FIVE JUDGES (Air: "I am the Captain of the Pinafore")

JUDGES: We are the Judges of the Literary Clubs! CREW: And right good Judges, too!

JUDGES: We're really very good, but be it understood

We command a revenue!

CREW: They're really very good, but be it

understood

They command a revenue!

JUDGES: Though busy filling shelves

With stuff we write ourselves

We never grudge the time that it takes

For at least a little look

Ere we pass upon a book—

And we never never make mistakes!

CREW: What, never?

JUDGES: NO, never!

CREW: What, never?

JUDGES: Well,hardlyever!

CREW: They hardly ever make mistakes!

So give three cheers, and make them loud.

For the busy Judges of the Book Club crowd.

And give three cheers, and ring a little bell

For the Judges of the Guild as well.

*It was current when I wrote this, anyway.

JUDGES: But stay! (Three members of the audience blush and return sheepishly to their seats.) Who approaches us now with a large basket of books upon her arm?

(EnterLITTLE PUBLISHER,with a large basket of books containingJUNE TRIPLETT.This might be a little difficult to explain, except for the fact that this whole thing is an allegory. Anything can happen in an allegory.)

SONG: LITTLE PUBLISHER (Air: "Little Buttercup")

I'm called Little Publisher, dear Little Publisher, Though I could never tell why.

But still I'm called Publisher, poor Little Publisher, Sweet Little Publisher, I.

I've poems, biography, foreign pornography, Stories and plays by the score.

I've travel books, fiction (a strange contradiction), And mystery novels galore.

I've Game Books, anthologies, Cook-Books, biologies,

Studies in Sex, and the rest.

I boost each new racket with blurbs on the jacket And hail every book as the best.

Then buy of your Publisher, poor Little Publisher— Dealers should never ask why.

So buy of your Publisher—wise Little Publisher— Come, of your Publisher buy!

JUDGES: Hail, Little Publisher! Who is this lovely maiden, clad in oil-skins and sou'wester, who is clambering out of your basket and approaching us?

PUBLISHER: 'Tis June Triplett—the Captain's Daughter!

JUDGES: And what is the gay book which is under her arm?

JUNE(demurely): Salt Water Taffy—my autobiography!

PUBL. (exiting with hand over face): Ah, that word—remorse, remorse!

JUDGES: Pray tell us, June, the origin of this interesting volume.

JUNE (ivho, as a matter of fact, has already received her song cue on the piano): Aye!

SONG:JUNE TRIPLETT (Air: "When I was a Lad")

When I was a girl, I stole a ride On a Lackawanna ferry to the Jersey side. I mingled with the crew, .and I spit and I swore, And I learned all the facts before I went ashore. I polished those facts so carefully That I wrote a little autobiogra-phee.

With the ferry-boat crew I made such a mark That they took me for a row in Central Park. I wouldn't do the nautical things they said So they made me swim back home instead. I swam the whole distance so easily That I wrote a little autobiogra-phee.

The lure of the sea it called so hard That I drifted down to Brooklyn to the Navy Yard; I hung around the waterfront, just for a lark, And learned about existence from a female shark. I threw the bulwarks fast and free So I wrote a little autobiogra-phee.

Of deep-sea knowledge I acquired such a grip That I formed a literary partnership. And that literary partnership, I ween, Wais the only kind of ship I ever had seen. But I signed my name so they all could see That it really was an autobiogra-phee.

The Book Clubs swallowed my story whole, And I knocked all the critics for a well-known goal; And Hollywood offered me a big advance, And I had a dandy dinner on the lie de France. I swore at that dinner so convincingly That they all believed my autobiogra-phee.

Now, writers all, whoever you may be, If you plan to do a salty yarn like me; If you've only seen the ocean from a rocking-chair And even riding backwards gives you maldemer— Just stick to your desk, and never go to sea, And you can write an autobiogra-phee.

JUDGES: My poor lass, why are you downhearted?

JUNE: Alas, I am but a poor, helpless little girl, and I love beyond my station! For my ambition lies not here, but among the ranks of the best-sellers.

JUDGES(aside): I believe what she says. (Aloud) Come with us, my lass, and we can help you. Under our cloak we shall smuggle you into the very front ranks of the best-sellers, and there you shall find the public that you crave.

JUNE: Kind sirs, how can I ever thank you? JUDGES: Don't mention it.

(As they exeunt happily together,DICK DEADEYE COLCORDsteps out from behind a column of print, and nods significantly to himself.)

DICK DEADEYE COLCORD: Ah, the minx! She cannot fool me! I have overheard the facts, and I shall convey them at once to her father. But stay! The Captain himself is even now approaching.

(Enter the Captain.)

DICK: Sir!

CAPT.: What would you with me?

DICK (mysteriously): I've come to give you warning concerning June Triplett and her reputed autobiography. Listen:

DUET: DICK DEADEYE COLCORD AND CAPTAIN

(Air: "Kind Captain, I've Important Information")

DICK: Kind Captain, I've important informa-

tion.

Sing hey! This canny critic's on her tracks!

I've found some bad mistakes in navigation!

Sing hey! the careless maiden and her facts!

The careless careless maiden! The careless careless maiden!

Sing hey! the careless maiden and her facts!

CAPTAIN: Good fellow, you've my everlasting gratitude!

Sing hey! the press is hot upon her tracks!

(Continued on page 118)

(Continued from page 88)

I'll calculate her literary latitude— Then hey! the careless maiden gets the axe!

The careless careless maiden! the careless careless maiden!

Sing hey! the careless maiden and the axe!

CAPTAIN: Dick Colcord, I thank you for your timely warning. I shall at once take steps to arrest their progress. This controversy will afford me ample opportunity. So! (He ivraps himself up in the controversy.)

DICK (hiding in turn behind the Post): Ha! ha! They are foiled— foiled—foiled.

(Enter Judges of the Book Clubs on tiptoe, escorting June Triplett. The Captain watches them unnoticed.) ENSEMBLE

(Air: "Carefully on Tiptoe Stealing") Carefully on tiptoe stealing Business from the retail store;

Our subscription list revealing We are each day stealing more!

(There is a loud chord on the piano)

ALL: Goodness me!

What was that, pray?

DICK : Silent be,

It was Macrae!

ALL: It was—it was Macrae!

CAPT.: They're right—it was Macrae!

Advertise, in fashion steady Readers will defray the fare.

For the public knows already That's the only thing we care!

(There is another loud chord) ALL: Goodness me!

That same piano!

DICK: Silent be!

It's just Brentano!

ALL: It was—it was Brentano!

CAPT.: They're right—it was Brentano!

(TheCAPTAINsteps out and raises his hand)

CAPT.: Hold! Hold! Unhand that girl! You cannot steal my Daughter!

JUDCES: She is ours from now forever more, to have or to hold—with the privilege, of course, of returning her at any time if not satisfied.

CAPT.: Then I shall denounce her to the world as an unfaithful and illegitimate child.

LITTLE PUBLISHER: Stay! This quarrel has already gone too far! Why can't you both join hands together with me in peace and happiness; and let us all three—Publisher and Bookseller and Book Club—work together with one great common purpose: TO SELL THE PUBLIC.

(They all join hands and commence to dance around and around merrily, singing the final chorus.)

FINAL CHORUS

(Air: "I Am the Monarch of the Sea") This little story of the sea We are ready to guarantee;

And we hope that you will realize our only want

Is to satisfy the public, and his cousins and his aunt,

Is to satisfy the public and his cousins and his aunt,

The public and his cousins and his aunt.

But if trouble starts to brew And our story proves untrue,

We will snap our fingers at the critics' taunt

And to hell with the public and his cousins and his aunt.

To hell with the public and his cousins and his aunt,

Who hear about the de-bate And attempt to get a rebate—

And they can't!

(And as theBOOK CLUB JUDGES,andLITTLE PUBLISHER,and theBOOKSELLERSall join hands happily and dance around in a circle, the curtain falls slowly and the allegory comes to an end. Two minutes later, of course, they are all fighting again.)