Vanity Fair's Own Guide to Palm Beach

A Key to its Art Treasures and its Ancient (1923) Ruins and Social Customs

LUCIEN BLUPHOCKS

HISTORY

ACCORDING to legend, the island of Palm Beach was sighted by Ponce de Leon during the Age of Discovery, when that gentleman was in search of the Fountain of Youth. No real estate merchant of Palm Beach can understand de Leon's failure to stop there, nor forgive him; yet the fact is that for several centuries thereafter the island was left to itself and was rediscovered effectually in the Age of Advertising by Henry Flagler and the Florida East Coast Railway. The Fountain of Youth has been more recently located at Nassau, Bimini, West End Island and other points under the British flag. Its waters (as they are called) yield upon analysis—H20 47.5%; Scotch, rye, or gin: 22%; lime juice: 3%; sugar: a trace.

GOVERNMENT

BEFORE proceeding to describe the strange and outlandish habits of the population of Palm Beach, it is necessary to give the prospective visitor a few details which will save him from making awkward mistakes. It will not do to assume too hastily that Palm Beach is part of the United States. Last year when Florida abolished all the more annoying forms of taxation, Palm Beach expressed its willingness to adhere to Florida with the reservation, however, that this should not involve the island in any of the stupid and obnoxious laws of the. United States as a whole. The government of Palm Beach is, at present, in the hands of the Sheriff, the doorman at Bradley's Casino, the motor-cycle cops, and the proprietor of Gus's Baths.

MONEY AND EXCHANGE

THE unit of currency in Palm Beach, corresponding to the U. S. copper cent, is the half dollar or "fo'bits". Old inhabitants (i. e., those who have been here since 1920) remember the time when quarters and dimes also circulated and were accepted as legal tender. The coins are still heard of as in the phrase "dime wise, hundred-dollar foolish" and in other childish myths. Copper and nickel coins do not thrive in this latitude, and no genuine specimen of either has ever been seen.

To solve all questions of rate of exchange and other financial matters, the traveller to Palm Beach is advised to collect a very large number of American hundred dollar bills. These arc accepted everywhere.

LANGUAGE

CONTRARY to general opinion it is not necessary to know any foreign language in order to get along in Palm Beach. Almost all the natives have learned to speak English within the last few years, many of them speaking it quite as well as the natives of Cuba or France, and with barely a trace of their original accent. Old Southern, the language of the surrounding country, has well nigh disappeared.

MISCELLANEOUS

IT will also be of value to the visitor to know that the large signs "25 Miles" (in the heart of the city) and "40 Miles" (elsewhere) indicate the minimum rate of speed permitted. Those disregarding the signs are liable to arrest and severe penalties for blocking traffic.

The two natural pests of Palm Beach are mosquitos and realtors. Fortunately they are killing each other off and as, in the last six months, the realtors have gained a numerical supremacy, the mosquito is almost extinct. The natural productivity of the soil and the capacity of any given object to double in value are the chief arguments of the realtor. It is claimed that if you plant a fig leaf on Monday morning, it will bear an evening wrap in time for dinner on Wednesday; and that if you let your beard grow two days you can sell it for twice what it cost you, in the open market. Ocean front lots increase in value so rapidly that many careful investors are placing shovelfuls of it in their safe deposit vaults to spring on the market at its peak.

These are the chief physical characteristics of Palm Beach. As to weather: it never rains (but it pours). As to what to wear: consult the Well Dressed Man pages in this journal, or in Vogue. As to where to wear .what you are wearing—that opens the major question of social life at Palm Beach.

SOCIAL LIFE

STOCKINGS, for example. You are driving along at eleven a. m. and meet a friend who introduces you to a leader of society. It is clear that you and your lady companion arc making a great hit; you have said nearly all the proper things; the leader of society says he will telephone you both to come to his next cocktail party. Then you say, "We're off for the beach". An imperceptible shadow crosses your new friend's face and you never hear from him again. You do not know it, but your companion has ruined you. She is about to sit upon a beach and she has no stockings on! It happens that this is permissible all the length and breadth of the beach with the exception of some few hundred yards—the yards in front of the Breakers. And—this is the catch—unless you are on the sands in that particular few hundred yards in the morning—you are an outsider. What is more you ought to be on the right hand end (as you face the ocean) or, at the very least, in the centre. If you progress towards the left, you lose caste. If you sit one foot beyond the official limits, you are, socially, vile.

Stockings and jewels are absolutely required for beach wear. The more valuable the jewels, the more nonchalantly you toss them to any comparative stranger who happens to be sitting near you, and who has a coat on. "Hold these for me," you murmur, "the hotel is so unsafe", and you walk to the ocean, touch it with your toe, and return. And you must never ask for the restoration of your jewels. Let the stranger speak first. After all, there is one's honour!

NATIONAL FETE DAYS

THE season at Palm Beach begins after New Year's Day, but for the benefit of those who cannot bear Christmas at home, a few of the hotels open and firecrackers are exploded on the beach Christmas Eve. The chief "occasions" (for drinking) are however later in the season. Although the inhabitants and the visitors and the architecture and the climate are far from being 100% Nordic American, a few American habits of past generations persist. There is, for example, the quaint custom, long since forgotten in the North, of the New Year's Day Eggnogg. This is an endurance contest and is played as follows. A certain number of people prepare eggnoggs and a much greater number go to their houses and drink eggnoggs. This is very amusing. The man who visits the most houses gets the grand prize and there are supplementary prizes for those who drink the most eggnoggs at each house. Bogey, for the afternoon round, is 36.

The great day, corresponding to the Fourth of July in America and to Bastille Day in France, is February 22. Visitors from America are prone to believe that this celebrates the birthday of George Washington; but it is merely a coincidence. February 22 is midseason at Palm Beach, and is therefore notable. It differs from New Year's Day chiefly by the substitution of cocktails for eggnoggs. Cocktails in Palm Beach are the favored after-dinner drink and a real cocktail party goes on from eleven thirty a. m., (or as soon as you leave the Beach) to near midnight, when you go to the Casino. Bogey is 45.

CASINO MANNERS

IT is, of course, understood that gambling does not exist in Palm Beach. The presence of roulette wheels and an "inner room" (the big-stake room which the French call "The Factory") must not mislead the visitor. Gambling—risking money to win—is bad form. You may play a system at Palm Beach, but if you do you will never play around with the true Palm Bcachers. The purpose of the casinos is to permit totally unknown people to toss alarmingly large sums of money on the table in a (usually vain) effort to make others believe that they arc Charles Schwab and Mrs. Cosden. On being identified as Mrs. Schwergelton, wife of the Wisconsin Putty King, the player retires to another corner of the room.

HELPFUL HINTS

ROLLS-ROYCE cars are all right, but the greatest care must be taken to salute all Ford station cars. They are invariably driven by millionaires.

Bridge is played at one dollar a point and up—not that any one cares for the money.

The hotels at Palm Beach are on the American plan; that is, you pay for your meals at one hotel and eat them at another.

The inhabitants of West Palm Beach are permitted to cross the Lake and bathe in the ocean. They can be viewed in the neighborhood of Gus's Baths, and admission to the pier there is, as per advertisement, "one cheerful dime."

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The Rotary Club meets on Wednesday; the Kiwanis Club on Thursday.

The wheel chair, or Afromobile, and the bicycle, are socially acceptable means of locomotion. In fact, you may do anything except walk.

Those who stay only two weeks are advised not to try to crash the door at the Everglades Club.

There are no cocoanuts at the Coeoanut Grove.

IN' THE EVENING

Even the activities suggested above may not suffice to fill your time after dinner. The proper procedure is as follows: If, by nine p. m., you have drunk enough, you keep on drinking; if you haven't, you go to the movies and resume drinking later on.

Although several houseboats are accessible from the shore without the use of a rowboat, it is generally understood that it is bad form to use them as ports of call unless you know someone who happens to be on board at the time. The Ferry to Palm Beach should be used by those who absolutely must feel nautical.

INTELLECTUAL LIFE

There is a book store in Palm Beach and several of the largest houses have libraries. The prevalent architecture of the place (Spanish, adapted by Addison Mizner and his school) is much more favorable to the creation of domestic bars. As in all other civilized communities, bridge and the moving pictures continue to be the main source of mental gratification.

PROHIBITION

The natives are always interested in knowing what is happening up North, but they disbelieve in prohibition as they disbelieve in snow and other natural phenomena which they have never seen or experienced.