Long Distance Lends Enchantment

PATRICIA COLLINGE

A Telephone Conversation in Which the Voice with the Smile Has the Final Word

SCENE: A hotel bedroom in Chicago, where Mrs. F. Van Alstyne, who is to take the traits for Nezc York on the morrow, is spending the night after a gay and crowded visit to her family in Lake Forest. She is discovered, in pale grey pajamas, sitting disconsolately on her bed.

11:30 P. M. Suddenly struck with a beautiful idea. She will call up her husband, zcho is all alone in that horrid Nezc York. It will he a lovely surprise for him, and the midnight rates are so cheap. Why didn't she think of it sooner? She visualizes the scette in Nezc York. The poor lonesome dear, after a long, hard day's work, is lying in bed reading a dull hook, and thinking wistfully of the little zcife so far away. Just as he is aboutto put dozen his book and turn out the light, the telephone rings. With a gesture of annoyance, he reaches for it. "Wrong number, of course," he mutters, then as he lifts the receiver there floats to-him the one voice in the world—her voice. . . . Mrs. Van Alstyne at this point almost bursts into tears, she flies to the telephone and puts in her call. She then runs a comb through her shingle, pushes it into the shape that makes her look a little like Ina Claire, rubs some powder on her nose and carefully makes up her mouth. She dabs a drop of Nuit D'Espoir behind her ears, turns out all the lights except the rose-colored reading lamp, and climbs into bed, to zcait. She waits.

12:30 A. M. She is still zcaiting. Of course, it does take a long time to get New York. . . . She settles the pillows, reaches for a book, and lights a cigarette.

1:00 A. M. The telephone rings. She seizes it.

MRS. VAN A: (In a low and thrilling voice) "Bubbins, darling, is that you"

OPERATOR: "On your call to New York, there will be a delay of fortv minutes."

MRS. VAN. A: "Oh!—well—Thank vou, Operator."

She takes up her book again. Forty minutes! That will be nearly two o'clock. She is a little sleepy, but Bubbins will be so pleased. And a zcife should sacrifice herself occasionally for her husband—not too often, of course, but when it is something she really doesn't mind doing. She lights another cigarette and resumes her reading. It is rather a nice story—not that it zcasn't naughty of the Duchess to take him to the rose garden—but still, it's rather a sweet idea.

1:38 A. M. She yawns. Only a few minutes to wait now.

She is sleepy. One thirty-eight from forty leaves—No—thirty-eight minutes from fortyleaves— Tzco minutes—only two minutes. . . . dear Bubbins. . . .So sleepy. . . .musn't go to sleep. . . .musn't go to sleep. . . .mus. . . n't. . . .

2:10 A. M. The scene changes to Nezc York where it is approximately 3:10 A. M. Mr. Van Alstyne, after a long hard day on the golf links, has been spending a lonely ez-ening at the Players' Club. He has done very nicely at a cent a point, and at 2:00 A. M. has called it a day. Turning out the lights at 2:43, he has fallen into a nice sound sleep. He is dreaming that he is playing a no-trump hand and has just taken thirty-seven diamond tricks. He is about to take his thirty-eighth, zchen his partner seizes a large bell and rings it violently, calling Utime". He tries to go on with' his hand, but the bell keeps ringing. He awakes with a start. What time is it—what is it? Oh! the telephone. What in hell—Who, at this time of night. He grabs at it—knocks it over—tries to turn on the light—finally does so—picks up the telephone and yells—Yes?"

OPERATOR: Stuyvcsant 80777f MR. VAN A: Yes—what the—

OPERATOR: Hold the wire, please.

MR. VAN A: What is it? What? What? (Prepares to go back to sleep).

OPERATOR: Just a moment—hold the wire —there you are—

MRS. VAN A: (Awakened out of a heavy doze) What is it? What do you want?

OPERATOR: Ready with New York—hold the wire. . . . Go ahead.

MRS. VAN A: (New York? Oh! yes— Bubbins—of course) Hello— hello— Bubbins darling.

BUBBINS: (Roused a second time, and a bit nasty about it) Hello! who is it?

MRS. VAN A: (Joyfully, but ungrammatically ) It's me, darling—it's Doodles.

BUBBINS: Who?

MRS. VAN A: It's me, dear. ... Is that you, Bubbins? Hello?

BUBBINS: Henrietta? What's wrong?

What's the matter?

MRS. VAN A: Nothing, dear—I just thought I would call you up. . . . Were you asleep?

BUBBINS: Of course I was asleep. ... Is anything wrong?

MRS. VAN A: Why, no dear. I just thought I'd like to surprise vou.

BUBBINS: Oh!(Pause) Well?

MRS. VAN A: Well, aren't you surprised to hear my voice?

BUBBINS: What?

MRS. VAN A: Aren't you surprised to hear mv voice?

BUBBINS: I can't hear you, either.

MRS. VAN A: I—just—said—aren't you surprised to hear my voice?

BUBBINS: (Slowly coming to) I can just barely hear you.

MRS. VAN A: (It isn't coming out as she expected but she is still hopeful.) I just felt a little lonesome, and thought I'd call you up.

BUBBINS: Wait till I shut the window. (There is a long pause while Bubbins shuts the window and Mrs. Van A. zconders why she telephoned him anyway.)

OPERATOR: (Always helpful) Are vou connected?

MRS. VAN A: Yes, go away, Central. Hello —Hello?

BUBBINS: (Not understanding it at all—but a gentleman at all costs) Well, dear—How are you? Is everything all right?

MRS. VAN A: (This is a little better) Yes, dear, but I have missed you terribly—it's so hard to get any decent bridge. What have you been doing?

BUBBINS: Oh! working hard. Have you played much?

MRS. VAN A: (Warming up) Have I? My dear, I have held the most wonderful hands lately. Last night I had seven clubs to the Ace —King and Queen—but nothing else. Well, the dealer bid no-trumps and I had the lead, so I just sat tight, and I led my clubs right out, and. . . . (She suddenly realizes that she is talking to space) Hello—Hello.

OPERATOR: Just a moment, please.

MRS. VAN A: Operator—Operator—I was talking to New York—Operd TOR!

OPERATOR: Hold the wire, please—there's your party—go ahead.

MRS. VAN A: Oh! Is that you, Bubbins— they cut us off.

BUBBINS: What?

MRS. VAN A: They cut us off.

BUBBINS: Yes, I thought they did.

MRS. VAN A: (Resuming the story) Well, anyway, we set them three.

BUBBINS: Set who three?

MRS. VAN A: (Despairingly) Oh!—never mind. (Pause.)

OPERATOR: (Szceetly) Are you through?

MRS. VAN A: Oh!—go away.

OPERATOR: B b r r—click—Brrr.

MRS. VAN A: (Giving up the struggle)

Well, dear, I won't keep you any longer—I only wanted to say, "Hello".

(Continued on page 74)

(Continued from page 45)

STRANGE MALE VOICE: Say—see that them two trucks get started first thing in the morning—will ya:

MRS. VAN A: There's some one on t he line—Ope ra to r—Ope ra to r—

OPERATOR : Bbrr—click—k—k—

MRS. VAN A: Are you there? (She makes one last effort.) I do miss you, dear.

STRANGE MALE VOICE: An' don't let'em tell you different.

MRS. VAN A: (Hastily) Good night, Bubbins.

BUBBINS: (He doesn't hear a word and is almost asleep) Good night, honey, good-night.

MRS. VAN A: (Very softly and sweetly) Oh! Bubbins, I do love you.

BUBBINS: What?

MRS. VAN A: (Still softly but a good deal less sweetly) I do love you.

BUBBINS: I can't hear you, dear.

MRS. VAN A: (in a hoarse scream)

I SAID I LOVE YOU! !

BUBBINS: I'm sorry, dear—it's a rotten connection. You'll have to write it to me.

MRS. VAN A: It isn't a rotten connection. You just don't listen, that's all.

BUBBINS: I do too listen—but you talk too far away from the receiver—

3 ou know you do. You always did.

MRS. VAN A: Oh!—never mind, dear—write it to me.

BUBBINS: (In honest surprise) Why, Doodles—What is the matter?

MRS. VAN A: Oh! nothing. (Pause)

I just try to be nice to you and call you up—and be s-s-weet to you—and then—you just don't care—that's all— BUBBINS: Why—honey— I—

MRS. VAN A: Oh! go back to sleep.

Bubbins: (Soothingly) Yes—dear, I will—And you must, too.

MRS. VAN A: (Dangerously) Good night.

BUBBINS: (Sleepily) Goo' night, dear.

MRS. VAN A: Good night. (Sob)

BUBBINS: What did you say, dear.

MRS. VAN A: (Quickly) Oh! good night. (She slams up the receiver.)

BUBBINS: (TO an aching void) Hello—Hello .... damn .... Hello!

OPERATOR : (With maddening sweetness) The party disconnected.

Bubbins realizes that he has been somehow responsible for whatever it is that has gone wrong. Tries to figure it out. Can't. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't hear. Doodles always did talk away from the receiver. Makes a note to send her some flowers tomorrow. 7 hen, as is the way with men, what he can't understand he complacently puts away from him. So he opens the window, snaps off the light and goes to bed, and to sleep.

2:23 A. M. Mrs. Van A. sobs for several moments—then opens her windows—puts out the light and goes to bed—but not to sleep.

2:25 A. M. The. telephone rings. She almost embraces it. Bubbins is sorry. Bubbins is going to tell her he loves her. She picks up the receiver.

THE VOICE WITH A SMILE: On your call to New York, you talked seventeen minutes, with one minute allowed you for disconnection—that will be $19.10.