Today in History

STEPHEN LEACOCK

Odes and Epodes Indited in Whimsical Commemoration of Famous and Infamous Historical Episodes

August 2, 1778

Victory of Gwalior

O THE neglected education Of this poor, young, untutored nation! To think that you never heard before Of the wonderful victory of Gwalior!

How the British suffered with heat and thirst

And they curst

Their worst

Till they nearly burst,

And then in the end came out victorious.

O! wasn't the whole thing Gwaliorious!

August 4, 1704

Battle of Blenheim

THIS was the very occasion when, Great Marlborough gained the battle of Blen.

The rest of the noble word won't rhyme Say it in silence, or call it "heim".

On the very same spot In other years,

Old Caspar shed his senile tears;

And the reason was,

If you ask me why,

Because his father was "forced to fly".

O, poor old Caspar, you really ought To have lived in the age of the aeronaut.

August 5, 1809

Birth of Alfred Tennyson

ON this very day,

At early morn,

Lord Alfred Tennyson chanced to be born. Had it not been so, I really hate To think of the poor elocutionist's fate.

He couldn't have been The sad May Queen;

He couldn't have brayed

The Light Brigade

To a ten cent audience (half afraid,

When he hitches His breeches

With soldier-like twitches,

To show how the Russians were killed in the ditches).

He never could shake With emotion, and make

The price of a meal with his "Break, Break, Break".

Alas, poor Bloke,

He'd be broke, broke, broke.

August 7, 1657

Death of Admiral Blake

COME, Death, pray tell us what you'll take To give us back old Admiral Blake.

Give us again that stern old Scot.

We'll trade you an assorted lot Of Business Men and Politicians,

Raised under up-to-date conditions,

Parsons, or if you will, professors,

Militia Men and tax-assessors:

We'll sell them to you dried or green,

Ready to dip in kerosene.

Take them and burn them, if you can;

Give us, oh, give us back, a man.

August 8, 1843

The Annexation of Natal

WHEN we in touch with heathen come, We send them first a case of rum;

Next, to rebuke their native sin,

We send a missionary in:

Then when the hungry Hottentot Has boiled his pastor in a pot,

We teach him Christian, dumb contrition,

By means of dum-dum ammunition.

The situation grows perplexed,

The wicked country is annexed:

But, O! the change when o'er the wild,

Our sweet Humanity has smiled:

The savage shaves his shaggy locks,

Wears breeches and balbriggan socks,

Learns Euclid, classifies the fossils,

Draws pictures of the Twelve Apostles—

And now his pastor at the most,

He is content simply to roast:

Forgetful of the art of war,

He smokes a twenty cent cigar,

He drinks not rum, his present care is For whisky and Apollinaris.

Content for this his land to change,

He fattens up and dies of mange.

Lo! on the ashes of his Kraal,

A Protestant Ca-the-der-al!

August 9, 1902

King Edward VII. Crowned

AGAIN the changing year shall bring The Coronation of a King;

While yet the reign seemed but begun,

The sceptre passes to the son.

O! little, little round of life,

Where each must walk the self-same way,

O! little fever, fret and strife That passes into yesterday,

When each at last, with struggling breath, Clasps in the dark the hand of Death.

O! Sorrow of our Common Lot,

Go, mark it well, and Envy not!

August 10, 1866

The Straits Settlements Founded

ELL me now, will you please relate, Why do they Call these Settlements Straight?

Does it mean to say That the gay Malay

Is too moral to quarrel In any way?

Does he never fight On a Saturday night,

When he's drunk in his junk

And his heart is light?

Have they got no music, no whiskey, no ladies? Well - it may be straight, but it's gloomy as Hades.

August 12, 1905

Anglo-Japanese Alliance

VALIANT, noble Japanee, Listen to Britannia's plea.

Since the battle of Yalu,

I've been yearning all for you;

Since the fight at Meter Hill Other suitors make me ill;

Tell me not of German beaux Addle-headed, adipose,

Double-barrelled Dutchman plain,

Sullen, sombre sons of Spain,

Flaxen Swede, Roumanian red,

Fickle Frenchmen, underfed:

Nay, I care for none of these,

Take me, O, my Japanese!

Yamagata, you of Yeddo,

Fold me, hold me to your heart!

Togo, take me to Tokio,

Tell me not that we must part!

In your home at Nagasaki Cuddle me against your khaki,

Since the Russians couldn't tan you,

Rule, I pray you, Rule Britannia!

August 14, 1763

Admiral Albemarle Took Havana

ON a critical day,

In those awful wars,

The fleet, they say,

Ran out of cigars;

It sounds like a nightmare, a dream, a bogie: They hadn't even a Pittsburgh stogie,

Nor a single plug Of the noble drug.

And from vessel to vessel the signal flew, "Our sailors are dying for want of a chew." From boyhood up those sailors had been Preserved and pickled in nicotine;

By conscientious smoking and drinking They had kept themselves from the horror of thinking.

Then Admiral Albemarle looked to leeward And summoned in haste his bedroom steward, And said, "My hearty, just cast your eyes on The sou' sou' west, and skim the horizon; That cloud of smoke and that fort and banner?" The sailor answered, "That place is Havana." Within a second or even a fraction,

The Admiral summoned the ships to action; The signal was read by every tar,

"You hit Spaniard and get a cigar."

Now need I say to readers who smoke How the furious burst of artillery broke,

How they shot at Havana, bombarded and shook it

Until, as a matter of course, they took it?

The terms of surrender were brief but witty: "We'll take the cigars; you can keep the city."

(To be Concluded)