Selecting a President—in the Future

National Convention Notes, Copied from a Forthcoming History of the United States

STEPHEN LEACOCK

THE convention of the year 1944 was held in Chicago. Even before the delegates assembled, a Jones boom broke out on the railway cars. The delegates, excited perhaps by passing a water tank, began sticking their heads out of the windows and shouting "Jones, Jones!" Even the expedient of squirting steam in their faces produced little effect.

It looked for a time as if the Jones boom would carry all before it, but, fortunately, the convention special happened to pass a circus train on a siding. The cars were stopped and the delegates were allowed to get out and look at the elephants. The keepers very kindly took one of the animals out of its car and allowed the delegates to come quite close to it, and stroke it. Two of the Ohio representatives were allowed to get up on its back and were given a nice ride. The Republican managers, however, put a stop to this, as it seemed likely to start an Ohio presidential stampede. At the close of fifteen minutes, the delegates all climbed back into their own cars, laughing and chattering and playing on their horns and mouth organs, until the Jones boom was completely forgotten.

No other incident marked their journey till the moment of arrival at the Polk Street Depot. Here there was for a moment an imminent danger of a Willoughby stampede. Some person on the platform called out "What's the matter with Willoughby!" and - immediately the delegates became wildly excited, clutching at the bars of the car windows, and hauling themselves up on the hat racks with loud cries of "Willoughby, Willoughby!" The managers succeeded in clubbing them into their places and they were taken in closed buses to their respective hotels, without further trouble.

The Uniforms of the Delegates

THE convention itself opened the next morning. The delegates, marshalled state by state, presented an interesting appearance. They were dressed, according to the fashion which has begun to prevail at the last two or three conventions, in short monkey jackets of bright colours, with short tight trousers, and little pill box hats. Their whistles, horns, and jew's-harps, and their candies and bags of nuts were tied around their waists on little leather belts.

The convention was, as usual, to open with prayer. There was for a time keen State competition for the privilege of leading the delegates in prayer. Four ballots were taken, with Ohio in the lead, when the Committee on Religion stopped the balloting and decided in favour of the claims of New Mexico. This threw the prayer practically into the hands of Senator Pete Smith, who controlled four of the five New Mexican ministers. The dissatisfaction of the Ohio representatives was quite evident. At the words "Almighty God" the Ohio delegates started a counter demonstration, with tin whistles, which was smothered, however, by a fog-horn demonstration from the entire southern section. The prayer was then proceeding quietly towards its close, when, by a regrettable accident, somebody shouted "Ireland!" and, instantly, the whole convention was in an_ uproar.

The tumult lasted, as counted by the stop watches of the uproar-umpires, four minutes and twenty-one seconds, after which the remainder of the prayer was uttered amid a deep silence and universal reverence by the Senior ranking minister from New Mexico. Towards its close somebody threw a brick at his head, but it fortunately missed him and struck harmlessly against a curtain without exciting the delegates. At the close of the prayer, the word "Amen" was made the signal for a deeply reverential side-boom, done on Saxophones, by the entire convention and well calculated to show the fundamentally religious character of the great gathering.

The McGinnis Boom

THE report on credentials should have followed immediately after the prayer, but before the chairman could call for it, one of the delegates managed to leap up from his bench and swing himself on to one of the brass chandeliers. Holding on by his feet, head down, he waved two little flags with the name McGinnis on them!

The wildest scene ensued.

For a moment it looked as if the whole convention would be swept off its feet for McGinnis. The delegates jumped up on their benches, screaming "McGinnis! McGinnis!" and defying all attempts of their managers to control them. Luckily, however, some of the Montana men succeeded in throwing lassoes around the necks of the McGinnis delegates and they were then hauled down.

The McGinnis boom subsided.

The rest of the session was spent in receiving the credentials, and passed without incident. The delegations were no doubt tired from their long ride on the cars and the excitement of seeing the circus.

In the course of the evening, however, an episode occurred which might have turned the fortunes of the presidency. The delegates had been duly sent to their various hotels after the session. Two hundred of them, all pledged to General McSweeney, were shut up in the Palm Room of the Auditoria Hotel. A wire net was round them and it was thought that they were safe from being tampered with. It seems, however, that two of the McGinnis bosses got into the place at night and distributed rock-candy and peanuts among the delegates. When taken out in the morning some of them were found to be in a wild state of excitement. At breakfast they threw their cracked wheat and corn flakes all over the room, shouting "McGinnis! McGinnis!" In the end they had to be taken to the convention in closed cars, with permission to play on their horns and mouth organs, but to make no other noise.

The general ballotting for the presidential candidate followed and occupied three days. General McSweeney's name was placed before the convention by Representative Mike O'Halloran, of Oklahoma, in a speech lasting six hours. Unfortunately for the General's claims, his advocate spoke—so it was afterwards calculated—ten minutes too long. Had he stopped at four-thirty, it is thought that the convention would have been carried clean. But all of a sudden the delegates who had been sitting quite still and well under control, suddenly broke loose. Pandemonium ensued. The delegates climbed up the sides of the auditorium, hung by their feet from the galleries and swung back and forward in mid-air upon the chandeliers. Loud cries of "We-don't-wantMcSweeney!" filled the entire building. After a short consultation, the McSweeney managers decided to withdraw the General's name as unfitted for the presidency of the United States. It was announced through a megaphone that the General's name would be replaced by that of his son-in-law, Mr. Tompkins.

Immediately a Tompkins boom broke out and lasted for thirteen minutes. As a counter move, however, the supporters of Senator McGinnis placarded the announcement that the Senator withdrew his claims and retired in favour of his uncle-in-law, Peter Klotz. A scene of indescribable emotion followed, the delegates falling into one another's arms and sobbing "Klotz, Klotz!"

The general balloting that ensued rapidly developed a deadlock between Mr. Klotz and Mr. Tompkins. Vote after vote showed them practically even. It is hard to say what the final outcome of continued voting would have been, but, after the twentieth ballot, a delegate. rushed to the middle of the floor and shouted: "I vote for John Quinn." It instantly appeared that the name was a pleasing one, easily remembered and quickly appreciated. A Quinn boom started at once, followed by a Quinn stampede. Within fifteen minutes the whole mass of delegates swung irresistibly to Quinn. The announcement that Quinn's name had received a majority of votes was greeted with prolonged and enthusiastic applause from a steam calliope specially rushed into the convention hall for the purpose. Quinn was to be the next Republican President.

A Safe Platform

THE final business of preparing the national platform, containing the principles of the party, proved a much less contentious matter than had been anticipated. The delegates were obviously weary with their efforts and nearing the point of exhaustion. All attempts on the part of their managers to amuse or interest them seemed to fail. Many of them simply sat back in their corners growling at intervals. Others pulled their state flags off their sticks and chewed them. It was felt that it would be best to expedite the construction of the belief of the party as much as possible. In regard to the League of Nations—a union formed among some of the less civilized nations a quarter of a century before—the party contented itself with a declaration of its adherence to the idea, and a repudiation of the idea of adhering. On the tariff the party stood, as ever, for such a form of tariff policy as would benefit labour, stimulate capital, excite the producer and quiet the consumer. It affirmed, boldly and unflinchingly its faith in Christianity, morality, the gold standard, the Monroe Doctrine, the laws of motion and the immortality of the soul.

In summarizing the labours of the convention the New York press despatches carried the following comment:

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"There is something solemn, something inspiring in the selection, by the greatest democracy on earth of its next President. Mr. John Quinn comes before the people of this nation as the unanimous and enthusiastic choice of its greatest and most powerful party. There can be little doubt as to the extraordinary unanimity with which the voice of the nation has indicated Mr. Quinn as its standard bearer. Nor should we wish in any way to cast aspersions upon the choice that has been made. At the same time there are obviously one or two minor points of procedure in our national conventions to which it is opportune at the present moment to draw attention. We should like to express it as our opinion that, under the existing methods, the delegates are given too much liberty. They are left altogether too much at large. We should think that some suitable method of caging or fencing might be adopted so that the delegates might be securely shut in and free from interference. It has been suggested that the delegates might be brought to the conventions in boxes or hutches, with wired apertures, sufficiently large to let in such air and light as they need. They could then put their heads through the top of the box, deliver their vote and retire their heads again. If their instructions were conspicuously painted in black and white on the outside of the box, there would then be every probability that the national delegates could be sent up instructed and stay instructed.

These, of course, are only minor points of criticism. Meantime we are heart and soul for our chosen candidate. We hope, in an early issue, to be able to present a short biography of Mr. Quinn, together with pictures of him, speaking on his porch, playing golf, kissing his father and milking a cow."