The Authors' Ten Points

Plea by the Literati of America to the League of Nations

WALLACE IRWIN

NOW being a fitting time to offer for the approval of the League of Nations all claims for indemnity and justice, we recommend that a committee be appointed to present to President Wilson the following Claim of the Authors of America:

PREAMBLE

WE the Authors of America, realizing that we are directors of the world's thought, creators of the world's sentiment, trustees of future civilization, do therefore claim that we are entitled to special consideration in the settlement of the world's affairs, which consideration not having been accorded us, we insist that the following 10 points be ratified by the delegates at Geneva, should such a congress be forthcoming:

I

INTERNATIONALIZATION OF LETTERS

All articles sold to any publication whatsoever shall be translated at the publisher's expense into no less than thirty-eight languages, always including Corean and Icelandic, tending thus to form an international language by the continued presentation of foreign ideas to peoples suffering from the mediaeval curse of patriotism; and so doing away finally with the stultifying influence of national consciousness.

II

FOOD

Realizing as we do that certain dangerous radical tendencies among Authors can only be cured after a systematic course of overfeeding, we insist that the Government issue to every Author with every thousand words of completed manuscript a food card entitling the bearer to

(a)—One dozen candled eggs or

(b)—One quart second grade milk or

(c)—One half bushel of seeding corn.

Authors producing over one million words per month will be exempt from this benefaction.

III

POVERTY

The Government shall inhibit poverty among Authors

(a)—By purchasing at the Author's highest rate all unsold manuscript,

(b)—By appointing a board of referees to determine what is an Author's highest rate. This board to be composed of Simeon Ford, James L. Ford and Henry Ford.

(c)—By subsidizing for any necessary period up to ninety years any Author who may earnestly desire to express in prose, poetic or dramatic form what by the evidence of his family or other interested parties he can prove to be his inspiration or the Dream of His Life.

(d)—By providing in semi-tropical climates mosquito-proof Homes for Authors whose early dissipations, chronic lassitude or inability to spell renders them unfit for the work of authorship.

IV

STATE MOTHERHOOD

The State shall provide all possible care to the Author for six months before and six months after the birth of a masterpiece. This care shall include

(a)—Free railway fares between the Author's home and his local color.

(b)—Free books from which the Author may appropriate plot, dialogue and narrative for his forthcoming volume.

(c)—Free funeral accommodations in case of accident.

V

MARRIED AUTHORS

Authors shall be divided into two sexes, as follows:

(a)—Male Authors.

(b)—Female Authors.

When Authors intermarry the ceremony shall be conducted by the nearest Publisher, no fee to be extracted for said ceremony. Should children be born of such a union they shall be cared for by said Publisher on a royalty basis, to wit:

(a)—Twelve per cent up to the first five thousand.

(b)—Fifteen per cent thereafter until ten thousand is reached.

(Continued from page 6)

VI

DISPUTES

All disputes arising between Publishers and Authors shall be settled in favor of the Author.

VII

SELF-DETERMINATION OF SMALL POETS Small Poets shall be self-determining.

VIII

OUR CABINET

An Authors' Cabinet shall be appointed for the administration of world affairs. The number of members shall be limited to eleven, but their powers shall be unlimited. The personnel of the Cabinet shall be as follows:

MINISTER OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS.Edw. K. Bok

MINISTER OF THE INTERIOR.Herbert C. Hoover

MINISTER OF JUSTICE.George Creel

MINISTER OF FINANCE.Robt. W. Chambers

MINISTER OF SOCIALIZATION.Edith Wharton

MINISTER OF WORSHIP. Oliver Morosco

MINISTER OF BROTHERHOOD OF MAN.Julian Street

MINISTER OF TRAFFIC.Irvin S. Cobb

MINISTER OF MILITARY AFFAIRS.....John Reed

MINISTER OF POPULAR ENLIGHTENMENT.Ella Wheeler Wilcox

IX

INTERNATIONALIZATION OF INLAND WATERWAYS

Every American city, town or hamlet now enjoying open plumbing shall be regarded as an Inland Waterway and shall be subject to the following special privileges:

(a)—Inland Waterways shall be provided with Foreign Consulates at the rate of two per city block.

(b)—Foreign Consulates being universally considered to be foreign territory

(c)—Their personal views as to the keeping, dispensing, loaning or vending so-called intoxicating liquors is outside the Federal jurisdiction.

(d)—Do you get this point?

(e)—On and after June 31, 1919, all Foreign Consulates shall be open to the general public between the hours of 1 p. m. and 4 a. m.

X

INTERNATIONAL BOUNDARIES

After prayerful consideration we have reached the conclusion that the peoples of the world are divisible into three great States of Mind, limited by three important ethnological principles, namely:

(a)—Mutual dislike.

(b)—Eccentricities of cooking.

(c)—Disabilities of language.

Therefore it is but just and right that our States of Mind should be held within their natural boundaries under the three general ethnological heads, namely:

(a)—Bohemia.

(b)—Philistia.

(c)—Utopia.

In every town or hamlet in the known world the definitive boundaries between these three free States is markedly evident, but for purposes of clarification let us choose the supposedly free state of Manhattan as an example. Following the natural boundaries in race, creed and digestion the divisions are as follows:

(a)—Bohemia—

Bounded on the North by Twenty-third Street, on the South by Mori's Italian table d'hote. Cranial formation of inhabitants: Hairy. Common language: Ravioli. Common vice: Discontent. National emblem: something painted in cubes to represent an Eagle or a munitions explosion, depending on the point of view. Tribal Chieftain: Leon Trotzsky. National idiosyncrasy: inability to distinguish the male from the female. Common virtue: a hope that Art will become something which it now isn't.

(b)—Philistia—

Bounded on the South by the Metropolitan Opera House and on the North by the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Common language: Ritz-Carlton. Cranial formation: Bony. Common vice: the Republican Party. National emblem: the Stock Exchange on a field of macaroon. Tribal Chieftainess: the late Queen Victoria. National idiosyncrasy: a distate for the Royalistic Tendencies of the Present Administration. Common virtue: an ability always to go over the top in Liberty Loan and Red Cross drives.

(c)—Utopia—

Bounded on the South by City Hall, on the North by the blue sky. Cranial formation: foxy. Common language: Election Promises. Common vice: Forgetfulness. National emblem: an unemptied ash-can on a field of raw gold. Tribal Chieftain: Charles F. Murphy. National idiosyncrasy: a passion for wearing silk hats at parades. Common virtue: an unswerving faith in a manoeuvre known as Getting Away With It.