Anatol Revised

The Devious Ways of a Man with a Maid, in the Present Servant Market

ROBERT C. BENCHLEY

with a slight nod to Mr. Schnitzler

HELMA

THE FIRST EPISODE Characters: Anatol; Mrs. Svensen

SCENE: The Employment Agency of Mrs. Svensen.

(Anatol enters and. approaches Mrs. Svensen's desk.)

ANATOL: Ah, good afternoon, Countess! Can you supply me with a good, reliable cook; one that I can take to the country with me this afternoon ?

MRS. SVENSEN: NO, sir.

(Exit Anatol)

THE SECOND EPISODE

Characters: Anatol; Mrs. Svensen

Scene: The Employment Agency of Mrs. Svensen. The next day. (Anatol enters and approaches Mrs. Svensen.)

ANATOL: Good afternoon, Mrs. Svensen. Have you, by any chance, a cook who would go to the country with me this afternoon!

MRS. SVENSEN: No, sir.

(Exit Anatol)

THE THIRD EPISODE

Characters: Anatol; Mrs. Svensen; Helma

Scene: The Employment Agency of Mrs. Svensen. The next day.

ANATOL (entering quietly): My dear Mrs. Svensen, is it really you? Do you know, I have been thinking about you all day, thinking and wondering if by any chance you would have a cook, or a second girl, or a laundress, or even a general house-work girl, who might be persuaded to come out to the country with me this afternoon.

MRS. SVENSEN: I have a good cook by the name of Helma. (Calls to Hebnp, in the next room) Syolga! oh, Svolga! Come here!

(Enter Helma)

ANATOL: My dear girl, do sit down and let us talk this over. ... Would you nibble a nuggatine? ... Now, strangely enough, I came here this afternoon looking for someone to go with me out to the country and do our cooking for us. It is really perfectly absurd to refer to it as cooking. All that I .myself have in the morning is a cantaloup, a muffin and a cup of coffee,, and then I'm off. . . . But we have to have someone in the kitchen—you know how it is yourself. Almost anything is likely to happen in the kitchen, and there ought to be some member of the household there,, just to be on the safe side. . . Ha, ha! . Now,—er, how does this all appeal to you? Do you think you would like to try us out?

HELMA: Sure.

ANATOL: Good! Now, when can you come?

HELMA: Vendesday.

ANATOL: Dear me, not before Vednesday— er—Wednesday? And this is Friday. Well, I suppose it can't be helped. Let us say Wednesday then, at 3 o'clock sharp. I will meet you here' and take you out in the train. . . . Wednesday, at 3 o'clock sharp?

HELMA: Sure.

THOLMA

THE FIRST EPISODE

Characters: Anatol; Mrs. Svensen; Tholma

SCENE:. .The Employment Agency of Mrs. Svensen. Wednesday at 5:30 sharp.

(Anatol is discovered sitting in a corner, waiting and reading the advertisements in the hack of the "Svea Gazette.")

ANATOL: Well, Mrs. Svensen, Helma said that she'd be here at 3 o'clock sharp, didn't she? I'm afraid that she doesn't intend to come at all. It's half past five now.

MRS. SVENSEN: That's right:

ANATOL: I don't suppose that you have got anyone else you could .send out with me tonight, have you?

MRS. SVENSEN: I got a good girl by the name of Tholma. (Calls to Tholma) Hedwig, kom here!

(Enter Tholma)

MRS. SVENSEN (to Tholma): Hetbskargardolstorsylenbalkasfjallskebnekaise malarghjelmarvöstersundbakerleravbergmjolvskane? THOLMA: Ya.

Mrs. SVENSEN: She says she'll be glad to go with you now.

ANATOL: Fine! Come along, my girl, we have just fifteen minutes to get the 5:56.

THE SECOND EPISODE

Characters: Anatol; Tholma

Scene: On the 5:56.

ANATOL: And now, my dear Tholma, tell me something about yourself. I am sure that we are going to be fast friends, you and I. I can tell by your eyes that, deep down in your heart, there is a liking for the sort of life we are going to give you. ... Do you like to bake graham muffins ? I adore graham muffins. THOLMA : Svenske.

ANATOL: I see. . . .1 see. . . . Would you like to read the evening paper? There isn't much in it these days, although I must admit I always look to see what the Toonerville Trolley is doing. Don't you think the Toonerville Trolley is pretty fairly funny? THOLMA: Svenske.

(Anatol looks., out of the window during the rest of the ride. They alight at the station and Anatol goes ahead to locate the car. As soon as he has found it he turns to assist Tholma into the tonneau. Tholma is not there.)

ANATOL: Where's Tholma? My God, where has my cook gone? I had her with me only a minute ago. (Becoming frantic.) Only a little short minute ago she was here. I can still feel the warm pressure of her hand as I helped her off the train. It was an honest hand,, kind sir (approaching the station-agent) it was an honest hand atfd I had waited so long for it. ... So long. ... So long. ... (Sinks sobbing on a bench.)

STATION MASTER: IS that your cook over there on the other track, Mister Anatol? The one gettin' aboard the in-bound train for the city?

ANATOL: Great God, it is Tholma! It isl . . . Tholma! . . . Tholma! , . . Don't go

back to the city! . . . Try us just for one night! . . . Just for one meal! . . . Tholma . . . don't you hear me?

THOLMA (from the window of the citybound train as it pulls out of the station): Svenske!

ANNIE

Characters: Anatol; Annie

CENE: In the automobile going from the train to the house. Two days later.

ANATOL: I shall never forget your kindness, Annie, in coming out here with me to help us out in our pastry-cooking. . . . You are a pastry-cook and nothing else, as I understand it?

ANNIE: I certainly am not anything else.

ANATOL: I mean, we couldn't induce you; in a pinch, to-—er—let us say, toss a little salt into the potage? That is, if it were very badly in need of salt. Or perhaps, to take a few stitches in the diaphragm of a duck, if he were absolutely down and out?

ANNIE: YOU certainly could not. I make pastry and nothing else, and if you want general-housework you'll have to get another girl. (Makes a move to get out of the automobile.)

ANATOL (clucking at her): My dear girl, whatever put that silly thought into your head? Of course, we wouldn't ask you do cook anything but pastry. Why, the idea is absurd. Please, please sit back, in your seat. We have a perfectly wonderful meat-cook already. She has been with us since before I was married. And, if by any chance she shouldn't happen to be there when we arrive, why, my wife would be only too glad to help out on the roasts and vegetables and things. You don't know my wife, do you? . . . Charming woman. ... Charming. ... I'm sure that you two will get along famously together in the kitchen.

ANNIE: What church does your wife go to?

ANATOL: Why—er—I mean she always has been a Congregationalist.

ANNIE : I work in the kitchen with no Congregationalist.

ANATOL: But my dear Annie—you don't understand,—-

ANNIE : I work in, the kitchen with no Congregationalist.

AMATOL: Look at me, Annie. . . . Look into my eyes. . . Do I look like a man who would— .

ANNIE: Stop this machine! (To the driver) Stop at the next corner!

ANATOL: Good Heavens, woman, have you no heart? Think of your own father—probably a .dear old man now—think of him, Annie and think how he would feel to have brought a woman of your worth all the way home and then to have her leave him—desert him, without warning, oh,—Annie. . . . Annie—

(He clutches wildly after her as she alights from the automobile.)

ANNIE: Bring a respectable girl all the way out here to die end of nowhere and then treat her like this! Let me go,—you ongregationalist! (She hails a passing taxi and disappears in the direction of the station. Anatol sinks to the floor of the tonneau and wraps himself up in the robe, moaning softly and mumbling).

(Continued on page 110)

(Continued from page 45)

AGNES

Characters: Anatol; Agnes SCENE: Anatol's garage. Anatol and Agnes have just alighted from the automobile and are walking toward the house.

AGNES : Now, in the last place I was in, the lady was very refined. She had a sister visiting her—I think her sister's name was Murchie or Stutz—that was it —Mrs. Struble—a very nice lady—quite wealthy and very refined, too. She was very kind to me. Used to take me out riding. ... I was one of the family, as you might say. . . . Her husband, Mr. Rolsch, was a fine man, too. Always thinking of other people, you know. I could have stayed there right along, but my room faced the east and the morning sun used to get right in my eyes the first thing every morning. I couldn't stand it. My eyes are weak— my mother's eyes were just the same way,—weak—and as I told Mrs. Hammesfahr I would have got blind if I had stayed in that room any longer. Now, the room I'm going to have in this house. I don't suppose it faces the east, does it?

ANATOL: The east? ... You mean the east,where the sun rises?

AGNES: Yes. I mean does my room face the east?

ANATOL : Why, what a silly question ! Why should you face the east? And even if it did, we could easily change it. ... I mean, the sun doesn't have to rise in the east, does it? ... I know it always has,—but, my God, Agnes, I can't lose you now! . . . Something can be done . . . Something must be done 1

AGNES: If my room faces the* east I might as well go right back now. (Turns toward the garage.)

ANATOL: Agnes! Listen to me! You may have my room—if you don't mind my coming in at seven o'clock to use the chest weights. They're attached to' the wall, you know.

AGNES: I don't like the idea of the thing. My room faces the east. That's all there is to it. . . . I've just got time to catch the 6:12 back to the city. . . . Good bye.

(She goes back into the garage and soon is driven away by the chauffeur. Anatol stands watching with unseeing eyes, passing his hand over his brow feebly, as if stunned by a great blow. ... He then walks slowly into the kitchen, puts on an apron and begins washing some lettuce, crooning an old Norse song in a wild fashion.)

CURTAIN